Hello, my name is Cosmo [Long drag of cigarette].

Kathryn Lopez asked Jonah Goldberg to write a special note to readers asking them for money. Me, personally, I don’t understand why he wouldn’t ask for something useful–meat products, product of meat, produits à base de viande.

What? You didn’t think I could speak French? Well, you might be interested to know [Stubs out cigarette] that that’s the language squirrels use when you’ve got them on the ropes. They start promising you all sorts of things in French. Ribbit, ribbit this. Ribbit, ribbit that. Don’t kill moi Monsieur Chien, I have meat products! I will join your coalition of the willing! Yada, yada, yada.

Anyway, why not ask readers to send cans of tasty goodness and maybe some tennis balls? Yeah, yeah I know: Money can be used for goods and services. But when you send cash, the suits grab it all up and spend it on the light bill or something like that. When you send jerky, it comes this guy’s way.

Anyway, as I was about to say, they want me to ask you guys for money. Apparently, they need it to keep Jonah locked to the shiny box thing. So, personally, I don’t want you to give money. This Lopez chick can’t make me say something I don’t want to say! I want Jonah back! Boycott NR–

Roooooowwwwrrrrrrrrrr!!! Arroooo-yooooooooo-rrooooooooo!

Hi: Sorry about that. I’m Jonah Goldberg, editor-at-large of National Review Online. Sometimes Cosmo gets a bit worked up and stubborn. I rang the doorbell to get him off the set. I’m going to quietly sidle out of here so Cosmo doesn’t come back even more ticked-off when he discovers no one was at the front door. Please click here for my appeal.