NEWS ITEM: Another Number Two Al Qaeda Leader In Iraq Nabbed

A BASEMENT, SOMWHERE IN IRAQ:

ACHMED: You wanted to see me?

HUMAN RESOURCES: Ah, yes, have a seat. M & Ms?

ACHMED: Oh, thanks, no I’m good.

HUMAN RESOURCES: I just quit smoking — again! Three hours now, but who’s counting? Allah help me, but I just can’t stop eating! Ha ha!

ACHMED: Yeah…they’re good…they melt inside your mouth, not upon the surface of your hands…

HUMAN RESOURCES: Right, right…they sure do. Well. Achmed, let me get right to the point-

ACHMED: It’s my expense account, right? Look, I can explain – it’s that new secretary of mine! Praise the holy jihad, but sometimes I think her burka’s on too tight! She gets all confused by decimal points! I told her a thousand –

HUMAN RESOURCES: No, that’s fine, no. Achmed, I have good news for you.

ACHMED: Oh?

HUMAN RESOURCES: Well, we’ve been reviewing your personnel file, and there’s an opening in the organization –

ACHMED: Uh huh…

HUMAN RESOURCES: Congratulations! We’re promoting you to the Number Two spot!

ACHMED: Number two? But what about –

HUMAN RESOURCES: Uh, he’s moved on.

ACHMED: And the guy with the mustache?

HUMAN RESOURCES: Relocated.

ACHMED: The fat guy? And whatsisname? And what happened to Stinky Pete?

HUMAN RESOURCES: Gone. Downsized. Moved to Colorado.

ACHMED: Oh.

HUMAN RESOURCES: Nope, the job’s yours!

ACHMED: Yeahhh…..well…Look, here’s the thing… You know, I’m good at Number Three. Really.

HUMAN RESOURCES: But, Achmed –

ACHMED: I mean, I just figured out the e-mail system, I know where everything is… You know who’d be good at Number Two? Mohammed over in accounting. He’s a real self starter — comes in early, works late, keeps a clean work area – that’s what you want in a Number Two. I mean, look at my cubicle! Bullets everywhere, half finished bombs lying around…Whoah! Somebody could get hurt around here! What am I — crazy? Heh, you don’t have to be crazy to work here – but it helps! Heh….

HUMAN RESOURCES: Right…well, so you’re really not interested?

ACHMED: No, really, I’m good. “Ol’ Number Three Achmed”, that’s me. Really. Give it to Mohammed, he’ll do a great job.

HUMAN RESOURCES: Well, okay.

(INTO INTERCOM) Miss Ali-Akbar Tikriti Jihad-assan? Could you bring me Mohammed’s personnel file? Hmmm? Mohammed in accounting…

(TO ACHMED) What’s his last name?

ACHMED: Uh, Mohammed I think.

HUMAN RESOURCES:

(INTO INTERCOM) Mohammed Mohammed in accounting. Thank you, Miss Ali-Akbar Tikriti Jihad-assan.

(TO ACHMED) Well, Achmed, thank you for coming down today.

ACHMED: Oh, no problem-o, my pleasure.

HUMAN RESOURCES: And Achmed?

ACHMED: Yes?

HUMAN RESOURCES: Let us know if you change your mind. We’re a growing organization, and we’re always looking for good Number Twos.

ACHMED: Oh, you bet!

HUMAN RESOURCES: (sigh) In fact, I’m guessing we’ll be looking again in another week or two.

END

– Comedian Dave Konig starred on Broadway in Grease! and won three New York Emmys as the co-host of Subway Q&A. Konig has written a novel, Good Luck, Mr. Gorsky. Konig is also an NRO contributor.