Dear Friends and Family:

Well, I guess it’s been a pretty eventful year for the Biden Family! As most of you know, I was on the short list for the Nobel Peace Prize in recognition of my tireless work toward achieving a safe, lasting partition of what was once known as Iraq.

Wait a second here. Get a hold of yourself, Joe! You know me: old motormouth! Getting myself into trouble again with my straight talk! Let me rephrase that.

Dear Friends and Family:

In 1984, as many of you know, I was diagnosed with a rare hair disease. And I’m proud to say that working with medical researchers and NASA scientists, I am now completely free of all hair diseases! My pioneering work has been recognized by the United States Patent and Trademark Office, and I hope to have an infomercial on the air before

Whoa there, Joseph! Gotta get a grip here! But that’s life with Joe! Ask my better half! Never a dull moment, no sir. You know, friends, I call it like I see it. And so, yeah, sure, there are going to be some moments when I get a little off message or go a little off the beam, but that’s because, as many of you are aware of, I am gifted with second sight, and I can see 17 minutes into the future.

Ouch! Just gave myself a little snap. I keep a rubber band around my wrist, and what the doctors told me (Hi, Doctor Leventhal! I know you’re reading this!) was that every time I get a little wacky or a little fuzzy, just snap the band on my wrist and that’ll remind me to come back to this moment, this present moment, and ask myself three questions: 1) Who am I?; 2) What was I just saying?; and 3) What was I supposed to be saying? Apparently, this is an old technique, and one that was used extensively by the former Czar of Russia, to whom I am directly related. It’s an interesting story. It seems that — Ouch! Thanks! Back on track. Let’s start again, shall we?

Dear Friends and Family:

As many of you know, I was recently almost elected to the presidency of the United States of America, which is a high honor and one I share with not too many people, let me tell you!

My friends, as high as that honor was, it’s been eclipsed, if you can believe it, by being elected by my peers to another great office, that of the vice presidency of the United States, for which I receive a salary in the low-to-mid six figures plus housing.

There are other duties, of course, too numerous to mention here in this Christmas card, Holiday card, excuse me! You know, friends, I love and respect the Jewish people so much. That’s what I said to Barack Obama when he asked me to be his vice president, I said, “Barack, let me tell you one thing about Joe Biden before we go off on this amazing adventure together,” and he said, “Anything, Joe. You can tell me anything.”

I forget what I told him, exactly, but I know that he laughed and smiled and I chucked him under the chin, and then I gave him a big, hurting hug. That’s the kind of guy I am; ask around, everyone will say the same thing: That Joe Biden, they’ll say at Cora’s Coffee Shop on Montesquieu Avenue in Wilmington’s Little China area, which is still there thanks to me and my fast work putting out that grease fire, that Joe Biden, they’ll say, he’s a hugger and a physical guy. Real physical. So there we were, me and the next president of the United States, just holding each other, and I gently stroked his head and said, “It’s okay, Barack. It’s going to be okay.”

I’m going to take a breath here. Just kind of take a breather.

Great! Breather over!

My IQ, in case you were wondering, is about 175, which is higher probably than that of anyone reading this Christmas card.

Dear Friends and Family:

The Biden Family wishes you and yours a wonderful Holiday season, filled with joy and laughter and warmth.

As many of you know, I am now vice president of the United States, and am therefore quote-unquote above the law, as it were.

Snap! Thanks!

Dear Friends and Family:

Well, it’s been an eventful 2008! And it’s going to be an even more eventful 2009. Please be sure to stay in touch, and if you’re in the D.C. area, don’t hesitate to call or e-mail. We’d love to see you!

All the very best for a merry Holiday season!