Since W is speaking to the nation tonight, and we know that the White House keeps tabs on the Corner (hi guys!), I thought we should do the President a favor and give him our suggestions for tonight’s speech.

I’ll go first.

Americans like science. It makes them feel safe and smart. So I think that Mr. Bush should go through his speech (maybe use “search and replace,” it’s faster) and every time it says “I think” or “I believe”, he should change it to “scientists think” or “science believes.” It’s much harder to argue with science.

And here’s some actual science to back it up. The President thinks that all people everywhere want to be free. (Is that Wilsonism? I never got that straight.) Here is a very professional sounding scientist named Jaak Panksepp from his very seriously titled book, “Affective Neuroscience: The Foundations of Animal and Human Emotions.”

“A human baby typically becomes enraged if its freedom of action is restricted simply by holding its arms to its sides. This highlights a general and lifelong principle. Anything that restricts our freedom will be viewed as an irritant deserving our anger, contempt, and revolutionary intent.”

See how I did that, Mr. President? Scientists believe that even babies want to be free! And science further tells us that anything that takes away our freedom is an irritant (like Ted Kennedy, for

instance) that deserves “revolutionary intent.” Seems to me like you’ve got a green light for bringing freedom and democracy to all corners of the globe, and it’s all thanks to science.

Gigantic hat tip to frequent e-mailer Catherine for advising me on many matters of science.