I have just this very hour been appointed-selected-annointed-enshrined as a member of the Board of Contributors to USA Today. What does this mean? Well, first of all, I shall be empowered with laser vision and super-strength. My sense of smell will be heightened beyond the human range. Consuming carbs will make me skinnier and I will have the right — protected by law — to take, free of charge, any items from stores or eateries (but not bistros) which begin with the letters U, S, A or T.

Actually, it just means I’ll be writing for them more often. But that’s cool too.