Or “humour.” Anglophile readers who reacted angrily to my posting yesterday

about how glad I am to be out of the wretched place, might care to try the

following little quiz, being curculated on the other side of the Pond to

much honking laughter over the tea and crumpets. Notice in particular all

the cracks about “inbreds.” Then, take a good look at your favorite member

of the Royal Family.

ARE YOU AN AMERICAN?

1. You decide that the relationship with your partner is over. How do

you break the news you are leaving?

(a) Leave a tearful note on the table and slip quietly away

(b) Calmly discuss the reasons with your partner for your decision

(c) Attack them with a chair in front of a rabble of cheering pumped-up

inbreds on national television.

2. You and your mates decide to have a game of football in the

park.What do you need to take?

(a) A ball

(b) A ball and 2 coats

(c) A ball 50 crash helmets, 4 tons of body armour,20 cheerleaders, a

marching sousaphone band with a grand piano on a trolley, and a team of

orthopaedic surgeons specialising in spinal injuries.

3. You are driving along a country road when you accidentally run over

a rabbit. What do you do?

(a) Stop and see how badly injured it is, taking it to a vet if it is

still alive

(b) Carry on driving, but hope it is still alive, or if not, that it

died quickly

(c) Strap it across the bonnet of your car and drive home hollering,

whooping and throwing empty Budweiser cans out of the window.

4. You wake up in the morning with a stiff neck after sleeping in an

awkward position. What do you do?

(a) Ignore it. It will probably loosen up as the day progresses

(b) Take a couple of aspirins and get on with things.

(c) Take yourself to a prostitute-addicted TV evangelist faith healer in

an ill-fitting wig, who will lay his hands on your head, whilst screaming

about the devil in front of an audience of gibbering inbreds.

5. What do you have for breakfast?

(a) A bowl of Cornflakes, slice of toast and a mug of tea

(b) Glass of orange juice, croissant and a cup of coffee

(c) A bag of donuts with ice cream, a 32 ounce steak with six eggs sunny

side-up, fifteen pancakes with maple syrup, ten waffles, five corn dogs and

a diet root beer.

6. You and your partner decide to take the plunge and get married.

What sort of ceremony do you have?

(a) A quiet party with a few friends in a registry office

(b) A church service followed by a traditional reception at a hotel

(c) A minute long mockery at a 24 hour drive-through chapel in LasVegas,

presided over by a transvestite vicar dressed as Elvis.

7. Your 14-year-old son is going through a difficult phase, becoming

disruptive at school and reclusive at home. What do you do?

(a) Don’t worry. Its just a phase and will pass.

(b) Encourage him to get out more, get involved in team sports or join a

youth club.

(c) Take him to an armoury and buy him an arsenal of semi-automatic

weapons and enough ammunition to slaughter a small town.

8. You fancy a night in watching something funny on TV. What kind of

comedy do you choose?

(a) A sitcom like Fawlty Towers or Father Ted

(b) A sketch show like the Two Ronnies or the Fast show

(c) A thinly disguised morality play set in a massive lounge where the

audience whoop for ten minutes every time an overpaid actor with a

superglued grin on his face makes an entrance to deliver a lightweight

wisecrack.

9. Whilst getting ready for bed, you stub your toe on your wife’s

dressing table. What do you do?

(a) Shout and swear a bit, after all, it did hurt

(b) Make a mental note to move the table so it doesn’t happen again

(c) Immediately call a hotshot lawyer with an uptown reputation, and sue

your wife’s ass.

10. You are responsible for the USA’s presidential electoral process.

Do you:

(a) Count all votes and declare a winner

(b) Count all votes and declare a winner

(c) Let the press declare who’s won before the votes are counted; then

count only the votes which have been handed in by a deadline whilst not

checking if Bud, the hillbilly sheriff of nowheres-ville, has left several

thousand votes in the trunk of his Chevy ‘by mistake’, then force a recount

of only some of the votes within just one state and allow only 12 seconds

for the recount to take place; then be amazed that the recount hasn’t

finished by the deadline and increase the deadline by another 3.2 seconds;

then ignore all votes and let 4 judges decide the result, making sure the

judges all support the same candidate; then ponce around the world telling

other countries how to run their own elections.

Answers…

If you answered:

Mostly (a)’s & (b)’s then you are a normal well-balanced individual.

Mostly (c)’s then do the world a favour and shoot yourself with the

anti-tank weapon you carry in the glove-box of your pick-up truck.