He wants a dog:

I’m trying to convince my wife that we need a dog. I grew up with dogs, and am comfortable with their ways. If we’re visiting someone’s home, and I suddenly experience a sensation of humid warmth, and I look down and see that my right arm has disappeared up to the elbow inside the mouth of a dog the size of a medium horse, I am not alarmed. I know that this is simply how a large, friendly dog says: ”Greetings! You have a pleasing salty taste!”
I respond by telling the dog that he is a GOOD BOY and pounding him with hearty blows, blows that would flatten a cat like a hairy pancake, but which only make the dog like me more. He likes me so much that he goes and gets his Special Toy. This is something that used to be a recognizable object — a stuffed animal, a basketball, a Federal Express driver — but has long since been converted, through countless hours of hard work on the dog’s part, into a random wad of filth held together by 73 gallons of congealed dog spit.

There’s more.