Underneathe the newly found Dead Sea Scrolls (and, oddly, an April 2002 edition of Maxim magazine) were Commandments 11-20. The full texts of what CBS News is calling “Ten Commandments II” will be reported on “60 Minutes II.” Highlights include:

Commandment 14: Thou Shalt not question the frequency Kenneth.

Commandment 17: Nothing In the Pentateuch Shall be Considered an Endorsement of Tax Cuts.

Commandment 19: If My Messager Says “I’ve check enough sources to burn a wet mule” he is telling the Truth.

Some critics question the authenticity of the tablets. “The early Hebrews did not use formica,” insisted Robert Roberts of the University of Texas.

“I would very much like to know how the Canaanites learned how to chisel such a small “th” after the “20th” commandment — and why they didn’t use that technology throughout the document,” said another expert unwilling to give his name.

In a streetside interview, Dan Rather responded that such objections were coming from partisans, heretics and witches and that “they should all be burned alive, just like it says in the 13th Commandment.”