A mother suggests:

Maybe instead of threats like, “If you don’t sign up for NR Digital, Derb
will come after you. (He doesn’t know it, but he will. And assign you many,
many hard math problems. Or some other torture.),” a bribe like, “Derb will
provide emergency homework bailout help for mathematically incompetent
parents whose children need assistance, if you sign up for NR Digital,”
might work better. I know I’d sign up immediately.

Derb, you in?