…but there’s no special New Year’s commitment to jokes. I just needed ‘em. But since you asked, here’s a Jewish New Year joke:

David, who lives in California, calls his parents in Florida the day before Rosh Hashanah to wish them a Happy New Year. “How you doing, Dad?” he asks. His father answers: “Not good. I better tell you, your mother and I are getting a divorce.” David says, “What? Wait, let me conference in Helen, she’s in New York.” So David calls his sister Helen and puts her on with his dad. “Is this true?” Helen asks. “It is,” the dad says, “we’re through, your mother and I.” Helen shouts: “This is crazy, I’m getting on a plane right now.” David shouts: “I’m already in the car on the way to the airport. I’ll be there in two hours.” The kids hang up. The father puts the phone down and calls out, “Okay, Sheila, I got the kids to come for Rosh Hashanah.”