According to Saturday’s New York Times, “Maureen Dowd is off today.” But not as off as Timothy Egan, the guy filling in for her. Irked by Joe the Plumber’s book deal, Mr Egan pens (as he would no doubt say) one of those unintentionally hilarious pieces whining at the very idea of an uncredentialed amateur muscling in on the guild of official “wordsmiths” (to use his preferred term). I like this fantastically pompous advice:

If Joe really wants to write, he should keep his day job and spend his evenings reading Rick Reilly’s sports columns, Peggy Noonan’s speeches, or Jess Walter’s fiction. He should open Dostoevsky or Norman Maclean — for osmosis, if nothing else. He should study Frank McCourt on teaching or Annie Dillard on writing.
The idea that someone who stumbled into a sound bite can be published, and charge $24.95 for said words, makes so many real writers think the world is unfair.

“The world is unfair”: Do you have to be a professional writer before attempting that advanced level of penetrating insight? Of course, having completed the special advanced course at the Paducah Academy of Professional Wordsmithery, Mr Egan knows that the credentialed wordsmith doesn’t just toot his own thesis unsupported but drops in a couple of big names from Bartlett’s Pocket Guide To Lame Over-Used Quotations:

Writing is hard, even for the best wordsmiths. Ernest Hemingway said the most frightening thing he ever encountered was “a blank sheet of paper.”

As Tim Blair points out:

Hemingway never saw a sheet of paper with Egan’s words all over it.

Quite. Mr Egan begins his column thus:

The unlicensed pipe fitter known as Joe the Plumber is out with a book this month, just as the last seconds on his 15 minutes are slipping away. I have a question for Joe: Do you want me to fix your leaky toilet?
I didn’t think so.

The clapped-out Warhol yawneroo in the very first sentence? What wordsmith’s course did he learn that from? By the way, I’d certainly like him to fix my toilet, and would be willing to chip in the Greyhound fare up to New Hampshire. Oh, and, given the amount of lead in his prose, Mr Egan would seem to be a natural pipe fitter.

In related news: Chicago Trib seeking to avoid bankruptcy; Miami Herald’s principal asset is the lot the building is on; S&P downgrades New York Times to junk.