When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one Republican to distinguish himself from another who shares an identical name, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that he should declare the causes which impel him to the separation. Friends, Americans, countrymen: It is with a heavy heart that I must admit that, contrary to popular belief, I am not running for California attorney general. That’s Nathan Hochman, a former U.S. assistant attorney general and the Republican nominee in the race.

This issue has been the subject of significant confusion in recent months, as I’ve been inundated with inquiries about my electoral ambitions:

On top of that, I have had not one but two — two — television shows book me and then subsequently cancel on the grounds that they had meant to book the other, far more successful — but less dashingly handsome — Nate Hochman. And that’s just in the past 72 hours alone.

Now look: I’m a Republican, and as a West Coast native, I know how desperately our region of the country needs conservative governance. I wish my fellow Mr. Hochman all the best, and encourage our readers to donate to his campaign. (Although not at the expense of donating to us, of course.) It is a red-wave year, after all, and it would be nice to have a California law-enforcement official who actually, you know, wants to enforce the law. But if he wins — and I hope he does — maybe he could consider taking his wife’s last name. It would cater to the progressive, socially liberated tastes of his state, and it would cause me less of a headache. This conservative movement ain’t big enough for the both of us.