“Derb—You’ve gotta think about it from a rat’s perspective. Those rats are watching each other. When one goes into your house and doesn’t come back, the others think ‘Roger never came out, there must be something good to eat in there! I’m going in there before it’s all gone.’”—Jeff

[JD: For the record, and so my social life doesn’t evaporate completely, there are no rats in my house, only in my garden. Sorry, YARD.]

“Derb—You need to give the surviving rats some feedback. Are you taking the drowned rats and displaying them around the perimeter of your property?

Maybe you should just maim a few and send them back with a message.”—J.M.McC.

[JD: What if that riles ’em up and they attack in force? Remember Willard.]

“In fact, all this time you’ve been catching the same rat – he owns and operates a discrete aqualung.”—Mike

[JD: Well, he forgot to bring it this morning. I just checked the bucket where he took his last swim.]

“Mr. Derbyshire—Yes, rats are stupid–not just ignorant, but actually stupid. I’m surprised that you did not know that. Was your experience with them in the UK substantially different?”—T.C.

[JD: Never met a domestic rat in England. Where I grew up, rats were a farmers’ problem.]

“Derb—The problem is, when you kill every rat you find, the rest of them don’t know about it. You’re too efficient. What ya gotta do, see, is catch a couple and just kill one of ‘em, then let the other one go. It’ll go back wherever they came from and warn the rest of the pack (?) about that crazy guy that lives beneath the tree house.”—R.R.

[JD: If the durn things ever actually get *into* my beloved treehouse, then it’s gloves off — no more Mr. Nice Guy.]