Reader Rebecca Vogel wrote in to columnist James Freeman of the Wall Street Journal with a spot-on, and devastatingly doleful, spoof of Oh, the Places You’ll Go! which would be handed out to graduates this season if there were any graduates.

Vogel writes:

Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You can’t go many places,
But you will . . . someday.
You have soap on your hands,
And a mask on your face.
But you have been banned
From almost every place.
Now you are grown. And you know what you know.
But others decide where it is you can go.
You can’t go to restaurants,
Or shops–they’re all closed.
And don’t try the bars,
‘Cause they’ve closed all of those.

Read the whole thing here.