So here I am reading my morning copy of America’s Newspaper of Record. I get to this story about some gatecrashers wrecking a $50,000 Sweet Sixteen in Queens. In that regrettably mean-spirited way I have, I am trying to figure out the ethnicity of the perps from their names. (If the newspapers were to just tell us, we would of course go berserk and run howling into the streets brandishing axes, pitchforks, and flaming torches. This is a well-known fact.)

Okay, the names:

The four men — Neville Laibhen, Einstein Laibhen, Steve Perrin and Andy Delbrun, all of Brooklyn — were arrested on assault and weapons charges after the July 2008 dust-up and pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct at arraignment.

Whoa! — Einstein? Who names a kid Einstein? And how does a kid named Einstein end up at the wrong end of “assault and weapons charges”? Does he have a car-thief brother named Schrödinger? Etc., etc.