Jonah: Since we’re building up a gallery, here’s my personal favorite:

On the point of homosexualists* having pioneered the “outing” of historical figures as this or that, I stand my ground. Others may have made efforts to “out” some particular character, with Jesus of Nazareth of course a favorite subject, but the scope of the homosexualist outing makes it, I think, qualitatively different.

And I was really only thinking of the state of affairs in free societies. The guardians of official ideologies have of course been doing something similar for millennia. The work done by orthodox Confucians in Imperial China to “confucianize” ancient literature comes to mind. Here, for example, is an old folk poem from pre-Confucian times. (It’s Song 81 in Karlgren’s numbering of the Book of Odes.)

Walking the great road

I grasp your sleeve.

O do not hate me!

Do not forget the old times!

Walking the great road

I grasp your hand.

O do not reject me!

Do not forget the good times!

One might think that this is a leading candidate for the title World’s Least Ambiguous Poem. Not to the literary critics of imperial China. Since the Odes were supposed to have been gathered by Confucius himself, they all had to be confucianized. So the critics assure us, with straight faces, that this is the complaint of a loyal minister unjustly dismissed by his sovereign! And for a millennium and a half that was the only allowed interpretation, if you wanted to pass the imperial examinations.

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* As I explain here , “I favor the usage ‘homosexualist’ for people who are activist about their sexual orientation, versus ‘homosexual’ for people who are merely, and privately, homosexual. I admit, though, that my attempts to promote this—it seems to me, useful and non-insulting—usage have fallen mostly on stony ground.”