If I were Elisabeth Hasselbeck, I would refuse to sit next to Barry Manilow. After all, “I Write the Songs” has officially been categorized as a war crime by the Fourth Geneva Convention. Here at home, even Wayne LaPierre supports legislation to declare “Mandy” an assault weapon deserving of a complete ban. This is not to say that Manilow hasn’t been of service to his country, albeit inadvertently. Unconfirmed reports claim that Abu Zubaydah would not break, even with a bullet in his groin, until they played 15 seconds of “I Can’t Smile Without You,” whereupon he cried like a little girl.