Several readers have told me that Michelle Yeoh and Zhang Ziyi actually

*did* have a fight in “Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon.” Oh. That must have

been after the point where I fell asleep.

Perhaps I should just give up on sword flicks altogether. Anyway, for the

Yeoh-Zhang showdown, I had in mind something more along the lines of a

wrestling pit filled with jell-o. Can that be fitted in to a movie about

ancient China? I bet it can. What the heck’s wrong with the air

conditioning in here?