The U.S.S. Jimmy Carter attack submarine will be commissioned in Groton, Connecticut this weekend. Here’s a thought experiment: What would the submarine’s weapons systems look like if Jimmy himself had built them? Rolled-up copies of his Nobel Peace Prize speech in the torpedo tubes? Anti-killer-rabbit canoe paddles? “Malaise” sleeping powder? Peanut-firing gattling guns?

Let’s just hope the sailors don’t have to drink Billy Beer.