TV commercials for intimate hygiene products are self-regulated by the National Association of Broadcasters. I have their code-book in my lap. With handy three-ring binder it weighs about eight pounds, the heaviest single mass of euphemisms ever collected. Douche commercials, for instance: all flowers blossoming vaguely from the pubic area; announcers with voices so pleasant and circumlocutory I’d hire them to do a play-by-play of World War III. If you didn’t know what a douche was, you might think it was some high-class Airwick for the night table. Preparation H talks confidentially about hemorrhoid relief, but never about where a hemorrhoid lives when it’s at home. My elder son, who is OD-ing on TV, asked me, “Is a hemorrhoid what you get from eating too much chocolate?” I said, “Sure is.” Who needs another fear at age 12? Actually hemorrhoid and douche standards are so new they don’t even appear in the 1974 code-book update. But vaginal sprays, remember them?
To give you some idea of how an NAB code sounds, here are several suggestions on the care and feeding of Feminine Deodorant Commercials.
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