THE CASE FOR NEGATIVE MONEY

heCongress shall have the power to coin money. So states Section Eight of the Constitution of the United States. Congress has exercised this power more or less continually since the ratification of the Constitution by the original thirteen states, though it took a little while to get things under way. Up until about the time of the Civil War there was a shortage of coin, and many foreign coins, particularly Spanish dollars, circulated in the land. Congress has also gone into some rather involved methods for getting the dough out where it belongs-in circulation. During the Civil War, the muchdebated United States notes, or greenbacks, were originated, to the great horror of all traditional bankers. Today all currency is in Federal Reserve notes. The Federal Reserve Banks went into the dollar-bill business a few years ago, and everything now has the Treasury seal printed in the reassuring dull green ink of the Fed banks. Prior to this latest glitch in the issuance of what passes for money, all Federal Reserve notes contained a legend in small print which read: “This note is legal tender for all debts public and private, and may be exchanged for lawful money at any Federal Reserve Bank.” Not being quite sure of the difference between legal tender and lawful money, I enlivened an otherwise dull afternoon by walking into a Federal Reserve Bank and asking to be paid lawful money in exchange for such a note. The resulting conversation clearly indicated I was apt to be buying a one-way trip to the funny farm, escorted by the Feds. I left, still clutching my sweaty $5 bill. There is a manifest flaw in our monetary system that could be readily corrected, and yet no action seems to be taken. Maybe we should all write our congressmen. Money is issued in all reasonable amounts from cents up through large bills, but it is all in positive, integral numbers. A mathematician will instantly recognize that the number system should be extended to include the negative integers. What is needed is for the government to coin and issue money in negative amounts to supplement the economy. In federal newspeak we can, of course, refer to this new printing and coinage as “negamoney.” simplified. It is no longer necessary for governments to collect taxes. They simply issue the proper amounts of negamoney to the suffering taxpayer, accomplishing the equivalent result, and it is now up to the citizen to figure, out how he gets rid of it. No longer is there need to be dunned

by creditors. Department stores, utilities, oil companies etc. can simply send negachecks instead of bills. These are taken by the recipient to his friendly local bank where, of course, they are duly entered and filed as an undeposit. Opening the mail might become more pleasant this way. Of course, in order to follow this procedure, the large companies will have to acquire large supplies of negacredit, and we can expect that the banking business will thrive on the whole new and unexplored field of unloans. IN t ime s of liquidity crisis, such as the current attack of acute Hooverian prosperity, new companies can be founded and spring into successful operation readily. All they need todois to hire people with large savings of negamoney. On payday, the company collects instead of paying out and the economy is thus vastly strengthened. Las Vegas will greatly expand its activities with a whole new set of devices for negamoney gambling. The unslot machine will scoop in jackpots instead of dumping them out, and craps, roulette, blackjack and baccarat will be played with new sets of odds which are in the house’s disfavor. Severe penalties will have to be put into law to deal with attempts to destroy negamoney. New protective devices will be needed to thwart attempts to break into bank vaults in order to leave negamoney and citizens will need protection against the second-story unburglar who attempts to put negamoney into seldom used bureau drawers without getting caught. Sewage works may expect problems as a result of the illegal flushing of negamoney down toilets. Attempts to conceal negamoney so it does not appear on one’s net worth statement will have to be guarded against by bankers. We may expect many more kinds of devious schemes to be developed by the criminal element that seems ever to form a small part of our population. There may even be a revival of bootlegging in which attempts are made to smuggle negamoney out of the country. But as the brilliant concept of negamoney begins to work well, it may be expanded to other areas of usefulness. The Post Office can print negastamps to be used on junk mail which we don’t want to get anyway. Negaprizes can be given in nationwide contests by companies trying to get out of the marketing of a particularly undesirable product. Negainsurance can bring monthly premium checks to the policyholder, unless he has a loss, in which event he must pay the insurance company. Most people will probably want to carry negamoney separately from their money, hoping that someone will steal it. Thus the wallet business can be expected to double, and, after many centuries, there will finally be a valid reason for two hip pockets on a pair of pants. Negamoney must, of course, be designed so that it cannot possibly be mistaken for positive money. The Bureau of Printing and Engraving can put on a nationwide competition for the most distasteful design. Color coding is also manifestly required, and, it is evident that negamoney must be printed in red ink. I am among those who anxiously await the adoption of this simple scheme. When the happy day comes, I’m going to convert some of my liabilities into negacash, and rush into town and spend down a storm. □ Mr. Granholm is a management consultant, a columnist for a number of weekly newspapers on the West Coast and a contributor to Faith, Hope, and Parity, a book of computer humor.

JG

About the Author

Jackson W. Granholm

heCongress shall have the power to coin money. So states Section Eight of the Constitution of the United States. Congress has exercised this power more or less continually since the ratification of the Constitution by the original thirteen states, though it took a little while to get things under way. Up until about the time of the Civil War there was a shortage of coin, and many foreign coins, particularly Spanish dollars, circulated in the land. Congress has also gone into some rather involved methods for getting the dough out where it belongs-in circulation. During the Civil War, the muchdebated United States notes, or greenbacks, were originated, to the great horror of all traditional bankers. Today all currency is in Federal Reserve notes. The Federal Reserve Banks went into the dollar-bill business a few years ago, and everything now has the Treasury seal printed in the reassuring dull green ink of the Fed banks. Prior to this latest glitch in the issuance of what passes for money, all Federal Reserve notes contained a legend in small print which read: “This note is legal tender for all debts public and private, and may be exchanged for lawful money at any Federal Reserve Bank.” Not being quite sure of the difference between legal tender and lawful money, I enlivened an otherwise dull afternoon by walking into a Federal Reserve Bank and asking to be paid lawful money in exchange for such a note. The resulting conversation clearly indicated I was apt to be buying a one-way trip to the funny farm, escorted by the Feds. I left, still clutching my sweaty $5 bill. There is a manifest flaw in our monetary system that could be readily corrected, and yet no action seems to be taken. Maybe we should all write our congressmen. Money is issued in all reasonable amounts from cents up through large bills, but it is all in positive, integral numbers. A mathematician will instantly recognize that the number system should be extended to include the negative integers. What is needed is for the government to coin and issue money in negative amounts to supplement the economy. In federal newspeak we can, of course, refer to this new printing and coinage as “negamoney.” simplified. It is no longer necessary for governments to collect taxes. They simply issue the proper amounts of negamoney to the suffering taxpayer, accomplishing the equivalent result, and it is now up to the citizen to figure, out how he gets rid of it. No longer is there need to be dunned

by creditors. Department stores, utilities, oil companies etc. can simply send negachecks instead of bills. These are taken by the recipient to his friendly local bank where, of course, they are duly entered and filed as an undeposit. Opening the mail might become more pleasant this way. Of course, in order to follow this procedure, the large companies will have to acquire large supplies of negacredit, and we can expect that the banking business will thrive on the whole new and unexplored field of unloans. IN t ime s of liquidity crisis, such as the current attack of acute Hooverian prosperity, new companies can be founded and spring into successful operation readily. All they need todois to hire people with large savings of negamoney. On payday, the company collects instead of paying out and the economy is thus vastly strengthened. Las Vegas will greatly expand its activities with a whole new set of devices for negamoney gambling. The unslot machine will scoop in jackpots instead of dumping them out, and craps, roulette, blackjack and baccarat will be played with new sets of odds which are in the house’s disfavor. Severe penalties will have to be put into law to deal with attempts to destroy negamoney. New protective devices will be needed to thwart attempts to break into bank vaults in order to leave negamoney and citizens will need protection against the second-story unburglar who attempts to put negamoney into seldom used bureau drawers without getting caught. Sewage works may expect problems as a result of the illegal flushing of negamoney down toilets. Attempts to conceal negamoney so it does not appear on one’s net worth statement will have to be guarded against by bankers. We may expect many more kinds of devious schemes to be developed by the criminal element that seems ever to form a small part of our population. There may even be a revival of bootlegging in which attempts are made to smuggle negamoney out of the country. But as the brilliant concept of negamoney begins to work well, it may be expanded to other areas of usefulness. The Post Office can print negastamps to be used on junk mail which we don’t want to get anyway. Negaprizes can be given in nationwide contests by companies trying to get out of the marketing of a particularly undesirable product. Negainsurance can bring monthly premium checks to the policyholder, unless he has a loss, in which event he must pay the insurance company. Most people will probably want to carry negamoney separately from their money, hoping that someone will steal it. Thus the wallet business can be expected to double, and, after many centuries, there will finally be a valid reason for two hip pockets on a pair of pants. Negamoney must, of course, be designed so that it cannot possibly be mistaken for positive money. The Bureau of Printing and Engraving can put on a nationwide competition for the most distasteful design. Color coding is also manifestly required, and, it is evident that negamoney must be printed in red ink. I am among those who anxiously await the adoption of this simple scheme. When the happy day comes, I’m going to convert some of my liabilities into negacash, and rush into town and spend down a storm. □ Mr. Granholm is a management consultant, a columnist for a number of weekly newspapers on the West Coast and a contributor to Faith, Hope, and Parity, a book of computer humor.