Wanna know if you’re eating a health food? Right: just ask yourself five or six questions. a) Does it gum my teeth together the way raw DAP Spackle would? b) Is it booby-trapped with ground-glass-hard lumps that crack and splat and hurt? c) Does it taste of Maalox tablets what’ve been left in someone’s overcoat pocket since last winter? d) Does my stomach ping, purse up, and still feel empty afterward? e) Does it cost so much I might as well be eating a Ferrari seat-cover? f) Does it take hours to hash up, with lots of chopping and hand kneading and mantra chanting and expensive utensils? One yes and you’ve got a simon-pure health food: no jerk, not even you, would go through such concentrated misery otherwise. Bee pollen, for instance: bee pollen is so damn healthful it’ll turn your throat into a Greyhound exhaust pipe. Dr. Jacobus Rinse’s famous breakfast, though hidden in applesauce, still makes crushed sidewalk seem haute cuisine by comparison. And I say mung beans on it all. Civilized people aren’t meant to live like they were full-time gizzards.
It’s Gastrointestinal Chic is what: the World’s Fair of Health under Madison Square Garden. Dragon’s milk and dandelion coffee and kuzu root tea and “What’ll it do?” green clay and seaweed soap and liquid garlic. Plus machines that, for half a dollar, will snatch your arm like a starving python and read painful blood pressure off. Eavesdrop on this knuckleball sales pitch:
Comments