The Recruiters

All over the country college coaches are fighting to sign up this high-school quarterback or that seven-foot schoolboy basketball sensation, but the staff over at the University of the Apocalypse is having recruiting problems of a different kind. Dr. Thomas Robespierre Paine, Chairman of the Department of Metaphysical Ecology, heads up the recruiting program, assisted by Dr. Moyamba La-teef Washington X, Chairman of the Department of Afro-American Biocybernetics, and Dr. Susan B. Anthony Cohen, Social Director of the Intersexual Campus Coalition for Coition in Politics. Dr. Paine has just opened the weekly progress meeting.

“This may be a banner week for us,” he says. “We are very close to signing that grape boycott boy wonder from Detroit. For a while there it looked like he was leaning toward Michigan State, but when the Weathermen went underground, the pendulum swung our way. The kid has a natural talent for arrogance and rudeness, but he’s a little weak in the violence aspect. Freshman Orientation Week should cure that though. To top it all off, he’s marvelously obscene. A great prospect. How goes it with that boy from Baltimore, Susan?”

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Donald K. Carter

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All over the country college coaches are fighting to sign up this high-school quarterback or that seven-foot schoolboy basketball sensation, but the staff over at the University of the Apocalypse is having recruiting problems of a different kind. Dr. Thomas Robespierre Paine, Chairman of the Department of Metaphysical Ecology, heads up the recruiting program, assisted by Dr. Moyamba La-teef Washington X, Chairman of the Department of Afro-American Biocybernetics, and Dr. Susan B. Anthony Cohen, Social Director of the Intersexual Campus Coalition for Coition in Politics. Dr. Paine has just opened the weekly progress meeting.

“This may be a banner week for us,” he says. “We are very close to signing that grape boycott boy wonder from Detroit. For a while there it looked like he was leaning toward Michigan State, but when the Weathermen went underground, the pendulum swung our way. The kid has a natural talent for arrogance and rudeness, but he’s a little weak in the violence aspect. Freshman Orientation Week should cure that though. To top it all off, he’s marvelously obscene. A great prospect. How goes it with that boy from Baltimore, Susan?”