My Habit
Pipe smoking seared my tongue. Then I discovered Saran Wrap. Yes, friend, Saran Wrap. I cut it up in neat squares, diapered the tip of my tongue with it. Effective enough—you shape it like a piece of Bazooka Bubble Gum—but it muffles the repartee somewhat. I sounded like Andy Granatelli playing Hamlet. When I sneezed, little opaque windows would appear suddenly on the wall. For two years I Saran Wrapped my tongue, then a suspicious lump appeared. Nervous moments: Good God, I thought, the first known case of Saran Wrap carcinoma. I could imagine the Eleven O’Clock News report, “For three months the diseased rats you see were fed Saran Wrap …” I called Dow Corning.
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