So the following was passed along to me by someone in EPA whom I trust and — despite it having been sent to me on April 1, given that this is EPA we are talking about — I will accept that it is, somehow, real.

MEMORANDUMSUBJECT : Call for EPA Hero Nominations
FROM : Craig E. Hooks
Acting Assistant Administrator, OARM
TO : All EPA Headquarters EmployeesIn honor of Earth Day 2009, EPA Headquarters will recognize exceptional employees who “Walk the Talk” by engaging in activities that help the Agency and its employees reduce the overall impact on the environment — including carbon footprint. All employees who regularly engage in at least six of the following eight practices at home or in the office are eligible for nomination as an EPA Earth Day Hero:
Biking, walking, taking public transportation, or carpooling whenever possible Using reusable coffee mugs and water containers Using reusable containers and bags Turning off lights, powering down computers, and shutting off other energy-using equipment or appliances when not in use Duplex printing Recycling paper, plastics, and materials Composting yard and kitchen products Purchasing Energy Star products
Please submit nominations by April 9 by completing the form below and sending it to [email protected]. Self-nominations for this recognition program are welcome.Earth Day Heroes will receive a certificate and will be recognized during Earth Day activities at Federal Triangle and on EPA’s Environmental Management System (EMS) Web site. Let’s celebrate those among us who are setting a strong example of environmental stewardship for all EPA Headquarters employees.

I predict no recognition of the inevitable suggestion that Al Gore sell a few of his many homes and leave fewer things on in the others.

What I don’t understand is why the same crowd that think I should limit myself to a couple of squares of toilet paper also promiscuously hands out elementary-school-style Certificates of Achievement (at least it’s not “Participation”) at grown men and women.