Crunchy-con (and porcher) Rod Dreher may have evolved in a postmodern and conservative direction through the unmediated experience of actually living in a small southern town as a successful adult.

He wittily and rightly pans a snotty New York Times reviewer for disparaging the author of the enduringly popular southern Stoic novel To Kill a Mockingbird for having a regular booth at McDonald’s, enjoying takeout Burger King salads on movie night, and enthusiastically fishing with hot dogs and feeding the ducks with seed corn. Harper (really, Nelle) also watches network TV! I won’t remind Rod that we saw that same kind of disparaging from him when he was about branding himself conservative yet crunchy. And, of course, the porchers in general get all uppity when they speak of the people who frequent chains and so who waffle or worse on buying local by dining at Waffle House or getting groceries at Walmart (the latter, apparently, is what most of the folks in St. Francisville actually do, despite the drive).

But Rod goes further and outs himself as a tasteless southern eco-sinner: “Note to self: if Dwight Garner is to review my future books, do not let him know about my penchant for reading Dante while shoving a Super Sonic No. 1 with a Route 44 Coke Zero down my rusticated Southern gob.” Coke Zero, although closer to the taste of real coke than Diet Coke, is nothing but a heaping helping of chemicals, and God knows where the contents of burger No. 1 came from and what has been done to them. I expect Rod has learned the hard way not to use words like “rusticated” and “gob” (I’m mean, what the hell?) around the other guys at Sonic. I expect they do appreciate that reading Dante is classy.

Rod, as far as I know, has not shared with his readers whether his viewing or grocery-shopping habits have evolved in a characteristically southern direction. In any case, he’s moving in the right direction.

Walker Percy, of course, often lunched on Wendy’s bacon cheeseburger and a sweet tea. And watched really bad TV shows such as Barney Miller. I’m pretty sure Bunt decided where dinner came from.

Here’s my first piece of advice for Coke Zero drinkers: There’s not one study that shows that real Coke is worse for you. It won’t even make you fatter (well, I’m obviously not to be trusted on this front) unless you’re swilling several down a day. If you’re drinking that many Coke Zeros, you better have already picked out your oncologist.

I admit to having an incoherent, unmanly fear of an unviolent death that steers me away from real Coke and toward the occasional Coke Zero. And here’s my second piece of advice: Get it at Steak ’n Shake with a shot of chocolate added. That way you really don’t know it’s not a real Coke.

I know little about Harper Lee, but everything I do know I like. Flannery O’Connor’s dismissal of her novel as merely a children’s book caused me to be slow to see how great it is as a work of classical southern education, a tale of magnanimity. And there’s a whole lot to be said for writing just one book that you can live off handsomely for the rest of your life. That way you get to stay home. And it doesn’t have to be in the sulky, self-obsessed J. D. Salinger way.

UPDATE: My ignorance of Sonic was showing here. It turns out Route 44 refers to a 44 oz. drink! Take that Mayor Bloomberg! So it’s the equivalent of swilling several regular-sized Coke Zeroes. I would urge Rod not to do that every day. Or maybe, as Dave in Georgia suggests in the thread, switch over to the possibly less toxic (in huge doses) Diet Dr. Pepper. (My personal view of the taste of Dr. Pepper has no place on this family blog.) There is a Sonic drive-in in West Rome, and I will be doing some remedial research this week.

UPDATE No. 2: Rod responds to the above by saying that he’s never been ashamed of his love of Sonic food and drink, but he’s always adhered to the distinction between the occasional indulgence in junk food and the norm of healthy food. The Crunchies are opposed to those who think of food choices as nothing but random preferences to be consumed at will. So we can be assured that Rod isn’t overdosing on Coke Zeroes. One of my grandson’s favorite books is about the Berenstain Bears overcoming their addiction to too much junk food. He explains to me that he eats junk food, but only a little. Me too, although maybe a bit more. I readily agree that some Southerners on the lower end of the socioeconomic scale have done themselves a disservice by abandoning collards in favor of too much junk food. Collards are making a comeback though, among the more fortunate. Rod was also attempting to be sarcastic with “rusticated gob.” Well, I figured, but my whole post is meant to be on the lighthearted, if not exactly ironic, side.