Actually, Soccer Is Great

While I’m in a dissenting mood, I might as well throw a few well-deserved grenades at Messrs. Abel, Pino, Schneider, and Lowry, for their egregious philistinism on the question of the beautiful game of soccer. Abel calls it “a middling sport” and “a pleasant murmur.” (Where’s Cain when you need him, I must ask?) Pino, in a deliciously on-brand analysis, argues that the game is fine, but that it’s been rendered moot by “American innovation,” which “has delivered better alternatives.” Schneider submits that it’s “terrible,” “unjust,” “un-American,” and “boring.” Lowry concludes, simply, “I don’t get it.”

These opinions are wrong. In fact, they’re not just wrong, they’re hate speech. They’re disinformation. They’re stochastic terrorism, even. I’m as enthusiastic about free expression as the next guy, but, as Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr. so eloquently informed us, you can’t shout “middling!” in a crowded soccer stadium and expect to get away with it. You see all those melodramatic World Cup players writhing around on the floor in mock-agony, one eye turned sideways toward the referee? That’s what happens when you talk like this. It hurts.

About the Author

Charles C. W. Cooke

Charles C. W. Cooke is a senior editor at National Review and the host of The Charles C. W. Cooke Podcast.

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While I’m in a dissenting mood, I might as well throw a few well-deserved grenades at Messrs. Abel, Pino, Schneider, and Lowry, for their egregious philistinism on the question of the beautiful game of soccer. Abel calls it “a middling sport” and “a pleasant murmur.” (Where’s Cain when you need him, I must ask?) Pino, in a deliciously on-brand analysis, argues that the game is fine, but that it’s been rendered moot by “American innovation,” which “has delivered better alternatives.” Schneider submits that it’s “terrible,” “unjust,” “un-American,” and “boring.” Lowry concludes, simply, “I don’t get it.”

These opinions are wrong. In fact, they’re not just wrong, they’re hate speech. They’re disinformation. They’re stochastic terrorism, even. I’m as enthusiastic about free expression as the next guy, but, as Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr. so eloquently informed us, you can’t shout “middling!” in a crowded soccer stadium and expect to get away with it. You see all those melodramatic World Cup players writhing around on the floor in mock-agony, one eye turned sideways toward the referee? That’s what happens when you talk like this. It hurts.