EDITOR’S NOTE: This column appears in the January 31, 2005, issue of National Review in Rob Long’s regular “Long View” spot.

LARRY KING: “The whole hour tonight on the tsunami! The after-effects! The relief effort! We’ll be talking to experts, and former presidents Bill Clinton and George Bush the Elder! And your calls! It’s a serious subject, folks! From Beaufort, South Carolina, you’re on with Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie! Hello!”

CALLER: “Hi, Larry, Happy New Year, ladies.”

PARIS HILTON: “Thanks, really.”

NICOLE RICHIE: “Happy what?”

LARRY KING: “Do you have a question about the tsunami for Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie, caller?”

CALLER: “Um, yeah, I was wondering about the physics of the tsunami. If it’s caused by an earthquake and it’s essentially an energy wave that ripples out from the epicenter, what makes it gain velocity as it travels? Shouldn’t its power be diminished?”

LARRY KING: “Good question. Gals?”

PARIS HILTON: “Hi, Larry. You have pretty hair.”

CALLER: “I’m sorry, Larry, I didn’t get that.”

NICOLE RICHIE: “Apparently, there’s like, a lot of poop in the water now over there?”

PARIS HILTON: “Gross! Nicole!”

NICOLE RICHIE: “I heard it from some guy on that show? It’s like, science?”

LARRY KING: “Let me ask you gals something. Can celebrities help in a situation like this? Is there some way for, say, a Paris Hilton or a Nicole Richie or a Joan van Ark to use their fame and glitz to do something for the people over there who are suffering?”

PARIS HILTON: “Well, probably. My publicist is trying to figure that out right now.”

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