Just as homosexuals living in the Bible Belt might face difficulties finding nearby gay-friendly vacation spots (or so I glean from travel sites on the web), New York’s embattled minority — conservatives — are similarly in a pickle.

Where to summer, free from protest, persecution and ridicule?

Where can a style-seeking but otherwise right-thinking New Yorker enjoy the sand and surf on weekends, and not have to suffer the Left’s mindless Bush-bashing and anti-war foment?

Where can she rest assured she won’t encounter the Clintons and their smarmy entourage? Certainly not Martha’s Vineyard.

The Hamptons would be an option, were it not for the presence of Alec Baldwin, Puff Daddy, and the rest of the “Page Six” Pantheon.

The answer, fellow conservatives, may be little-known Shelter Island, where the Vast-Right-Wing Drinking Society (that is, me and my friends) pooled our modest resources to rent a summer home, two and one-half hours away from tediously liberal Manhattan.

Located on Long Island’s east end, between its North Fork (renowned for vast stretches of grape vineyards and the breathtaking Long Island Sound separating New York State from Connecticut) and the South Fork (renowned for the tony oceanside Hampton communities and Christie Brinkley’s roving ex-husband Peter Cook), sits serene, tasteful Shelter Island, which locals call “the Rock.”

Its 2,228 residents revel in Shelter Island’s designation as the “Un-Hamptons,” while most visitors remark that it’s topographically similar to Martha’s Vineyard: lush foliage, gentle hills, unspoiled beaches and sparkling water views, 19th century architecture, and the whiff of class and money (obviously not coming from our rental).

The only thing missing seems to be Democrats. After three years living in Manhattan, I am well-trained in the axiom that where there’s New York money, there’s a John Kerry donor.

Shelter Island, however, is replete with Republican bumper stickers, including a few delicious zingers, such as: TED KENNEDY’S CAR HAS KILLED MORE PEOPLE THAN MY GUN…and, TAKE THAT, HIPPY: FOUR MORE YEARS!

A photo of George W. Bush hangs proudly in the island’s main watering hole, The Dory, as does — and this is the exception to the taste and class I wrote of earlier — a toy urinal sporting Jane Fonda’s face.

You will not find Che Guevara postcards or t-shirts on the island, as you do in most seaside resorts in the Northeast. Quite impressively, when one of my vacation companions walked through the Heights (Shelter Island’s one-street town) wearing a West Point t-shirt, he received a hardy thumbs-up from another 30-something male.

Indeed, we pray for the Armed Services every Sunday at Mass on Shelter Island; we also pray for protection against terrorists. The summer I vacationed on Martha’s Vineyard, at Mass we prayed for the release of convicted cop-killer and left-wing cause celebre Mumia Abu-Jamal.

Currently Shelter Island is represented by Democrat Tim Bishop in Congress, whose swing district encompasses Suffolk County. But Italo Zanzi, the pro-life, anti-immigration conservative running against Bishop, faces no opposition in New York’s September 12 Republican primary, and stands a chance of regaining the seat for Republicans. (In 2002 Bishop snatched it from Republican Felix Grucci, who by all accounts ran a miserable race after replacing Rep. Mike Forbes in 2000. Forbes, you’ll recall, was a Class of 1994 Republican who switched parties in 1999.)

Shelter Island has the distinction of being the only Long Island town to vote for Bob Dole in 1996, and it has voted for every Republican candidate for president in recent history — until 2004, that is, when Kerry actually squeaked out a victory on the Rock. All good things come to an end, I suppose. But who these John Kerry supporters are, or where they are on Shelter Island, I have no idea.

The Democrats on Shelter Island are as they should be: quiet and unseen, while the Vast-Right-Wing Drinking Society and its kind roams free and proud, laying our gin-and-tonic-soaked plans to take back Manhattan come fall.

– Bernadette Malone is senior editor of Penguin’s conservative imprint, Sentinel, in New York City.