My daughter Nellie, aged 12, graduated from her middle school Thursday. As

evidenced by the following:

—Regular school report for the semester.

—”Terra Nova” report, showing her academic performance against national

percentiles.

—”Certificate of Promotion” from 6th Grade to 7th Grade.

—”President’s Education Awards Program” diploma, presented to Eleanor

Derbyshire “in recognition of outstanding academic achievement,” signed by

the President himself!

—”President’s Education Awards Program” diploma, presented to Nellie

Derbyshire “in recognition of outstanding academic achievement,” signed by

the President himself! (As my wife commented: “I guess it’s like mail

order — you get one for each spelling of your name.” Yeah, really makes

you feel special. Thanks, Mr President.)

—”Perfect Attendance Award” (for the fourth marking period).

—”Perfect Attendance Award” (for the year).

—”Certificate of Completion” for 6th Grade spelling.

—”Certificate for Distinguished Achievement” from the County legislature,

for having graduated from the D.A.R.E. program. This is some sort of drug

awareness thing. “Outstanding achievement” means, as best I can judge, that

you got through 6th Grade without becoming a junkie.

—”Certificate of Graduation” from this same D.A.R.E. program, this one

from the County Police Commissioner. Shouldn’t he be catching crooks or

something?

—A separate report card for Advanced Orchestra.

—School award for “Most Outstanding Orchestra Student.”

—Suffolk County Music Educators’ Association award for “outstanding

participation” in the county orchestra.

—”Certificate of Merit” from the Long Island String Festival Association,

in recognition of excellence and achievement on a string instrument.

—Award for “excellent participation” at the NYSSMA (= NY State Student

Music Association) festival.

—School award for “excellence in orchestra.”

Now, this is all very gratifying, and we are of course pleased with our

daughter. She is a happy, healthy, sociable, and well-adjusted girl who did

well in middle school. Thank God for all that.

I can’t help wondering, though, whether this little mountain of diplomas and

certificates isn’t a bit over the top. As best we can judge, Nellie is

around the middle of the top quartile in performance and achievement.

That’s great; but what on earth does the document stack look like for a REAL

over-achiever?

My wife attended the graduation ceremony. I didn’t, went to the Chicago

bash. I asked my wife whether Nellie had got an extraordinary number of

these certificates etc. Wife: “No, there were several kids who were called

up even more times.”

I don’t want to be a grinch about this. My wife tells me it was a really

nice ceremony. I’m sure everyone is doing their best here. Still, I can’t

help recalling Malcolm Muggeridge’s quip about the old USSR: “The one thing

the economy produces in abundance is statistics.”

I’d like to think my daughter’s getting a good education. The only thing I

am really sure of, though, is that she is getting lots and lots and lots

of certificates for achievement.