A despairing email in response to mine of a couple of days ago, in which I

grumbled about cellphone users on Amtrak.

“Mr. Derbyshire—OK, I admit I am an acerbic Dane, but two observations I

have made on the need for noise and cell phones…

“I work in a public library. To me, it is a no-brainer that cell phones,

when entering a library, should either be put on vibrate or turned off. 95%

of the patrons who pick-up the cell call are cool with my request to remove

themselves to the lobby. About 5% think that meeting the patrons who wish

to read and study halfway means they will walk into the stacks to bellow and

chortle their conversation, usually a sales call. Every now and then I’ll

get one who huffs into the phone that ‘the little QUEER who works in the

library says I have to take my call out in the lobby.’ Again, it floors me

that common courtesy in a library setting absolutely flummoxes a few people.

“Offside observation: their seems an inverse relationship between the

length and complexity of the ringing set for the cell phone and the

importance of the conversation – i.e. if the ring is a setting of Eine

Kleine Nacht Musik, the full opening exposition repeated three times before

the person picks up, set at maximum volume, the conversation will be about

a sale of eye liner at the Wal Mart, or if the lodge is having that fish fry

this week-end or next week-end. People look at me like the crabby

Scandanavian when I opine that only people who trade currencies for high

flying mutual funds or work in inner city trauma centers need their cell

phones constantly on for a ring.

“Point two on noise. The YMCA at town was once relatively noise free. Then

as a SERVICE, the management decided to pipe in music, but on the policy of

one constant setting to the least OFFENSIVE music station, in this case,

Classic 80s rock. As a youth of the 80s, let me assure you Mr. Derbyshire,

there was no classic rock. It is an oxymoron. The same twelve tunes every

single night, Mr. Derbyshire, no variation. No Cannonball Adderly, no

Stacey Kent, no Dexter Gordon, no Blossom Dearie. Heck, Les Preludes is

better work out music. So I wear earplugs. I can’t believe the volume! I

see younger men wearing that MP3 player around the bicep, so I think I’ll

get one of them this week-end. Anyway point being, what is it with the need

for noise 24/7? It is it to fill an empty brain?

“Forgive me for belaboring the point. I have to cut back on the morning

coffee intake.”