Memo to 19-year-old son: I understand that you think it’s “awesome,” but I would remind you that I was Andrew McCarthy before this actor guy was. And frankly, I liked you better when you were eight and used to brag to your classmates that the Blind Sheik was much more famous than O.J.

Memo to 3-year-old son: Yes, yes. On TV. Just like Daddy and SpongeBob — well, no, not exactly …

Memo to Wife: Demi Moore? Who’s Demi Moore? N-n-never heard of her …