Halloween is an arms race. And America’s parents are losing it.

When we were growing up, Halloween was a one-night event. On October 31, you’d put your costume on and trundle around the neighborhood with your friends and kid brother, filling up a plastic pumpkin pail with treats, and then you’d go home. And that was it.

These days, however, Halloween is a three-or-four-day slog. Halloween is the Bataan Death March of holidays. These days, you’ve got the big event on the evening of October 31, of course. But there’s also the “Trunk or Treat” carnival at church. There’s the “wear your costume to school” day at the preschool. There’s the Halloween-themed candy-give-out kidz zone at the football games on Saturday.

In 2024, instead of one morning-after hangover of the five-year-old insisting that “breakfast” can consist of Ring Pops and Jolly Ranchers and the two- and three-year-olds fighting over whose pumpkin pail is whose, there’s a whole week of morning chaos and bedtime tantrums over the Great Deity of the High Fructose Corn Syrup.

Halloween is the worst, and there’s only one way to get even: Strike back at the little goobers by raiding the toddlers’ candy bags.

This is the day to do it. Once the little rug rats have been shipped off to kindergarten in the morning, it’s time to cull their bags of loot.

The Top 3 Candies to Steal

  1. Twix and Snickers — These are the best forms of All-American mass-produced industrial-strength chocolate-coated deliciousness. If the people in your neighborhood are dumb enough to give these nuggets of gold out for free, their loss is your gain. Take them all: full-sized, bite-sized, novelties, and themed-varieties. Take them all. Put them in an 18-gallon storage tub and label it: “Swim Suits and Swimming Accessories.” No one will think to check it until spring. The candy hoard will be safe.
  2. Sour gummy candies — Gummy worms, Jolly Rancher gummies, gummy bears, Sour Patch Kids (the watermelon kind is A+). These are great. Take one or two out of your safety-deposit tub in the garage, and stick them in your pocket. When you need a pick-me up and you’ve already had too much coffee, pop one in.
  3. Twizzlers — Did you know that they now come in a variety of flavors? I’ll always have a soft spot in my heart for the Twizzler Bites, which — I don’t care what anyone says — are the single best MRE snack. Ah, the memories.

Bonus Candy to Remove (and Throw Away)

Anything particularly gooey, slimy, or prone to leave a residue on the hardwood floors — Avoid the future clean up. Into the trash they go. Hey, toddlers, how ’bout them apples?

The Candies to Leave for the Kids

  1. Milky Way — The poor man’s Snickers.
  2. Candy Corn — What are we even doing here?
  3. Swedish Fish — Sweden can have them back.
  4. Whoppers — Malted milk balls? I’ll pass.