From a reader:

Jonah,
I used to be terribly well-informed about such things, always buying the exact right equipment and solving my computer problems with all sorts of under-the-hood geekery…but the relentless march of technology leaves me ever farther behind, and so now I just sacrifice chickens like everyone else.
Mmmm…chicken…
Nevertheless, I do have some advice for you and your lovely bride:
1) Buy something really shiny.
2) Make sure it’s got lots of blinking lights.
3) If it goes “ping” that’d be super-excellent.
I trust that helps,