From the archives of Variety:

AUGUST 12, 1935

“Dumont Dukes It Out with Groucho, Harpo”

Portly matron Margaret Dumont, the long-suffering straight woman to Marx Brothers hijinks, pranks, and gags, snapped on the set of upcoming A Night at the Opera and clocked the lead of the brother act, Groucho, across the kisser.

The fracas erupted during the shooting of a scene in which Groucho insisted on delivering ad libs and unscripted knocks on Dumont’s size and age. On-set witnesses report that Dumont began to seethe when Groucho improvised this bit of dialogue during a romantic exchange: “I can see you right now in the kitchen, bending over a hot stove. But I can’t see the stove!”

Dumont immediately stormed off the set and had to be coaxed back by director Sam Wood. In the next scene, after a long speech delivered by Dumont, Groucho added an unscripted rejoinder, “Well, that covers a lot of ground. Say, you cover a lot of ground yourself! You’d better beat it; I hear they’re going to tear you down and put up an office building where you’re standing!”

Which is when the nearly 300-pound former soprano slapped him with an open hand, opening up a four-inch gash along the funnyman’s face as her costume jewelry hit his cheek. Shooting was wrapped for the day. Sources say Groucho has declined to press charges.

A tearful Dumont appeared later on set and delivered an apology to cast and crew — sans Groucho — and declared that she is “a person of love, a protector, a queen” and that she is a “river for her people,” at which point Harpo Marx began playing the old Negro-spiritual tune “The River Is Wide and Old,” prompting Dumont to attack him with a wardrobe needle.

NOVEMBER 6, 1967

“Female Impersonator Stabbed by Judy Garland”

An unidentified female impersonator performing off-off-off-Broadway at Greenwich Village dive The Monster was stabbed 17 times by screen and stage legend Judy Garland, following the impersonator’s single-hander cabaret act Judy! Pills-Za-Poppin!

A popular nightclub act with downtown denizens, the show is an energetic medley of Garland’s boffo hits sung with increasing pace and the frenetic hand and eye movements characteristic of La Judy’s recent stage work. Big number “I’ve Got My Love to Keep Me Warm” brings down the house, and by the encore the performer sports smeared makeup, a costume in tatters, and makes it through a hilarious rendition of “Over the Rainbow” dressed as a giant capsule of amphetamines. Audience goes wild night after night at the spoof of Hollywood has-been Garland.

Sources say that an hour after final curtain, the performer headed to the uptown 1 train and was ambushed by the diminutive Garland, who had secretly taken in the act dressed as a waiter from the Philippines. A furious Garland stabbed the performer repeatedly with an oyster knife. The performer declined to press charges, saying that it was “an honor to be violently assaulted by a legend.”

MARCH 29, 1973

“Impressionist Rich Little Audited for Seventh Time by Nixon’s IRS”

Following his seventh appearance on The Dean Martin Show in which he did his now-signature impression of embattled president Richard Nixon, Rich Little was informed by the Los Angeles office of the Internal Revenue Service that his tax returns from 1963 to 1972 were subject to a forensic audit.

This action follows similar audits, all performed by the IRS following each of Little’s appearances on the variety program. The IRS insists that these audits are coincidental and that no connection can be inferred between Little’s unflattering impression of the president and subsequent IRS audits. Little, for his part, wishes the president would just “Sock it to me.” Adds the humorist, “I’d rather take the punch. It’s cheaper.”

JUNE 8, 1994

“Funny Lady Joan Rivers Beaten by Queen Elizabeth II”

Following a performance at the Royal Albert Hall on Tuesday, comedienne Joan Rivers was found unconscious in her dressing room, having been beaten senseless by what witnesses describe as a “Queen Elizabeth–looking person” carrying an exact likeness of the silver-gilt mace made in 1660 for the coronation of Charles II. Maces such as these were carried in coronation processions by the sergeants-at-arms, state officials, and members of the royal household as a representation of royal authority.

In her act, Rivers often lampoons Queen Elizabeth II’s dowdy wardrobe, love of horses and corgis, and sexless demeanor. As she begins her material about the head of state, she looks theatrically around the venue, asks, “Is she here? Is she here? Liz? Are you here?” and then commences her acid-laced spoof of the sovereign.

Saturday night, unfortunately for Rivers, Queen Elizabeth II was, in fact, on the premises — lying in wait in her dressing room with a heavy blunt object. Buckingham Palace has issued a blanket denial, along with a carefully worded apology for “whatever might have occurred that evening by persons unidentified.” Rivers remains hospitalized.