https://us04web.zoom.us/j/8043111983

Meeting ID: 804 311 1983

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“Dad?”

“Hey! Can you hear me?”

“Yes, and I can see you too. Where’s Mom?”

“Right here, sweetie, your father made me get my own log-in thing.”

“Dad, why are we doing this?”

“Wait a minute. Let your sister get on.”

“Katie! Get on the Zoom whatever! Dad’s making it into a whole big thing!”

“Sweetie, please do not yell through the walls.”

“I don’t understand why we’re doing this. We, like, live in the same house.”

“Hello? Can you hear me?”

“Hey! Katie Bear! Okay now, the family is all together.”

“Daddy, why are we doing this? We can just talk together, I can come downstairs.”

“That’s what I told your father.”

“Okay, now. We’re all here. Let’s get started. First off, thank you all for joining the webinar.”

“Oh gimme a break!”

“Tyler! Listen to your father. Doug, we’re all feeling a bit weird here.”

“I understand that, Jen. But here’s what I’m thinking. You know, all day I was on a Zoom call with the gang at work, and what I discovered was this. Bruce in product management wasn’t such a pain in the butt. Karen and LouEllen from HR were actually tolerable. I didn’t yell at my assistant and I interacted with the design and marketing groups without resorting to salty language of any kind — ”

“Dad, can you get to the point? I’ve been on Zoom all day with school and — ”

“I have a lecture to watch and — ”

“Can you not interrupt me?”

“GOD!”

“Katie, Tyler, stop it! Listen to your father!”

“No, see, this is my point — Katie, you’re home from college and Tyler’s school is closed and Jen’s office and my office are both closed, so we’re all kind of back to the old days when we, you know, lived together all under one roof.”

“I miss those days, love.”

“When we were kids. Right. Dad, where is this going?”

“Well, for the past three weeks we’ve been rattling around this house together, getting in each other’s way and stuff, and today I realized that Zoom calls are really making it easier to get along with the people at my office, so maybe they’ll help us all get along at home.”

“Honey?”

“So what I’m thinking is, we just, you know, keep our distance from now on.”

“Dad?”

“You guys just sort of stick to certain areas and we’ll sort out kitchen and bathroom times and — ”

“Doug? What are you saying? You want the children to, what? Stay in their rooms?”

“Not just the children, Jen.”

“DOUG?”

“Look, let’s face it, fam. We worked best when you, Katie, were off at college, and Jen, when you were super busy at work, and Tyler, honestly, I think we were all happier when we had no idea where you were or what you were doing and now we’re all packed back into this house all day every day with nowhere to go and are you really telling me that I’m the only one here who is ready to just EXPLODE?”

“Daddy, you’re scaring me.”

“I’m not trying to scare you. But, you know, keep your distance.”

“Doug, this is not funny.”

“Not trying to be, Jen. I’m deadly serious. I’m going to screen-share with you guys one possible schedule we can adopt and of course really looking for your feedback on this, it’s just a spitball first shot at it, maybe there’s better times for the bathroom and — ”

“I’m relegated to our bedroom for ten hours?”

“Yeah, Jen, see, you’ll be there and I’ll be working out of the car in the garage and — ”

“Daddy, you’re getting unglued.”

“No, no, see, I’m not. I just don’t want to be stuck in this house with you people anymore. I just — I just — Katie, I love you, but I loved you a lot more when I didn’t have to overhear your stupid conversations with stupid friends about stupid Bernie Sanders and — ”

“GOD! You are a dictator! This is fascism! This is Nazi Germany.”

“See? I just . . . It’s just better on Zoom, okay, Katie Bear?”

“You don’t want to see your children? Or your wife? Doug?”

“I do want to see you! I want to see all of you! I love you guys! I want to have meals with you and talk and do everything we used to do, just on Zoom. From different parts of the house. Remotely.”

“Doug? Doug? Tyler, your father’s mouth is moving but we can’t hear him.”

“I know.”

“Why is that, sweetie?”

“Because I took over the admin for this Zoom and I put him on mute.”

“Tyler, take your father off mute this instant.”

“Okay.”

“Well, not this instant. First, show me how to get the Eiffel Tower in my background.”