Books, Arts & Manners: Rescue Hampers

Throughout the year this column is concerned with how conservative cooks and diners can survive in a hostile world. But at Christmas we should think of others. In particular of giving things to others. And, fairly obviously, we give the most important thing to others, food. You will give hampers. But not bought hampers stuffed with dreary vacuum-packed smoked salmon, stale nuts, eight varieties of tea, and plastic pink Turkish delight. Conservative cooks make their own special “rescue” hampers. What you are aiming for is things that will be welcomed by unfortunate friends who are threatened with tasteless turkey, too many overcooked vegetables, oversweet sauces, and apple pies. It’s got to be something which blasts its way through this lot, demanding not only to be eaten but eaten now, and instead of the revolting turkey. It must be something which will rot unless it is eaten immediately. Something to rescue them from ghastly Christmas food.

First, home-made sausages. You’ll need casings, sheeps’ intestines. Find a butcher or delicatessen that makes its own sausages and buy some casings. They’ll either be dried or salted. In both cases they need soaking for a few minutes. Then, call the children—grown-up children enjoy this too—and commandeer the bathroom. Attach one end of the casing to the bath tap and turn the water on (no, silly, the cold tap). If you do not have a bath, you’ll have to dismantle the shower nozzle: serves you right for not having a bath.

DA

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Digby Anderson

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Throughout the year this column is concerned with how conservative cooks and diners can survive in a hostile world. But at Christmas we should think of others. In particular of giving things to others. And, fairly obviously, we give the most important thing to others, food. You will give hampers. But not bought hampers stuffed with dreary vacuum-packed smoked salmon, stale nuts, eight varieties of tea, and plastic pink Turkish delight. Conservative cooks make their own special “rescue” hampers. What you are aiming for is things that will be welcomed by unfortunate friends who are threatened with tasteless turkey, too many overcooked vegetables, oversweet sauces, and apple pies. It’s got to be something which blasts its way through this lot, demanding not only to be eaten but eaten now, and instead of the revolting turkey. It must be something which will rot unless it is eaten immediately. Something to rescue them from ghastly Christmas food.

First, home-made sausages. You’ll need casings, sheeps’ intestines. Find a butcher or delicatessen that makes its own sausages and buy some casings. They’ll either be dried or salted. In both cases they need soaking for a few minutes. Then, call the children—grown-up children enjoy this too—and commandeer the bathroom. Attach one end of the casing to the bath tap and turn the water on (no, silly, the cold tap). If you do not have a bath, you’ll have to dismantle the shower nozzle: serves you right for not having a bath.