She Said She Said

Hillary’s speeches are like Roman candles that blurp out wet clods of sawdust — a flash, perhaps, but no sparkle, no light. In her Roosevelt Island rebooted reset retooled relaunch, there were lines like this: Republicans “turn their backs on gay people who love each other.”

Well, if they happen to be doing so at the time, that’s only decent; give them some privacy. As for the rest of her campaign preview, it was pledge-o-rama. She pledged to fight for the working people, of course. She will work for the fighting people. She will work and fight against those evil men who pick their teeth with whittled-down finger bones of orphans after a meal of polar-bear steak. She pledged to float bonds for infrastructure, which never means “useful roads people want to take” but does mean trains that go from one liberal enclave to another at 87 m.p.h. and make everyone aboard feel all European ’n’ stuff. When you get to your destination, you take the light rail to the streetcar to the bike-rental place, then pedal to your meeting in bike lanes paid for with infrastructure bonds. To encourage this behavior, major roadways will be regularly strewn with nails.