Close Encounters of the Right Kind

IT was a cool October evening in 1964 when two Harvard University freshmen were startled by a glowing object hovering near one of the science labs. As they approached, it seemed to turn and peer at them. For several seconds the freshmen returned its gaze, frozen by a fear of the unknown. The creature was thin and wiry. On its chest it wore a power pack, a thin white disk with markings emblazoned on it. After a few seconds, the creature let out a shrill cry and streaked out of sight to the northeast. The students tried to compose themselves. One, who had been a Marine, fainted. When he came to, they discussed the white power pack and its mysterious inscription, which had read, “Goldwater for President.”

They reported the incident to Peter Johns, dean of the College of Ethics and Endowments (Whichever Comes First). Johns summarily expelled the students for lunacy. But now, twenty years later, their case is being reconsidered, as legitimate scientists have begun to examine the phenomenon of Conservative Sightings on Ivy League campuses. Even at Harvard, tough questions are being asked: Do conservatives exist? Where do they come from? Do any of them wear beards?

DB

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David Brooks

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IT was a cool October evening in 1964 when two Harvard University freshmen were startled by a glowing object hovering near one of the science labs. As they approached, it seemed to turn and peer at them. For several seconds the freshmen returned its gaze, frozen by a fear of the unknown. The creature was thin and wiry. On its chest it wore a power pack, a thin white disk with markings emblazoned on it. After a few seconds, the creature let out a shrill cry and streaked out of sight to the northeast. The students tried to compose themselves. One, who had been a Marine, fainted. When he came to, they discussed the white power pack and its mysterious inscription, which had read, “Goldwater for President.”

They reported the incident to Peter Johns, dean of the College of Ethics and Endowments (Whichever Comes First). Johns summarily expelled the students for lunacy. But now, twenty years later, their case is being reconsidered, as legitimate scientists have begun to examine the phenomenon of Conservative Sightings on Ivy League campuses. Even at Harvard, tough questions are being asked: Do conservatives exist? Where do they come from? Do any of them wear beards?