This summer the State of Massachusetts will nix bake sales in school. Zero tolerance for frosting! Down with sprinkles! They want to ban kids’ selling fudge door-to-door to raise money, too, and by the time they’re done adults will have to stand 20 feet from the door to eat a Milky Way.
This is intended to combat the Obesity Epidemic, as it’s called. It’s a curious epidemic. Apparently one guy ate a Twinkie on a subway in New York, and by the end of the week everyone in the car had gained five pounds, and one of them went to Hong Kong and everyone on the plane suddenly had to let their belt out, and when the flight attendant ordered cheesecake from room service that night everyone on her floor discovered that their underwear was too tight the next morning. It spread uncontrollably. The Centers for Disease Control are still tracking down Patient Zero, whom they believe to be a man who ate an entire bag of taco-flavor Doritos in 1982.
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