With apologies to Bobby Jindal.

Stage One

We have a lot of real problems in this country. We have an economy that is only working for those at the top. We have some politicians and companies trying to restrict women’s access to birth control. What we don’t have is Problem A.

This Problem A story is being whipped up by some people in Washington and some media outlets – I can think of one cable network in particular – to distract us from what really matters, because they have no solutions to the country’s real problems. For some people, that’s just not how Washington works. but that’s not why I came to Washington. I can promise the American people one thing. No matter what the cynics in Washington say or do, I am not going to take my eye off the ball. We have too many real problems to let anyone distract us with sideshows and Washington nonsense.

Stage Two

Well, let me repeat [pause] what I have been saying right along. Problem A is real and uhhhh… if it goes unaddressed, it could produce some serious consequences for the American people. But we were among the first – of all the governments in the world – to recognize the severity of Problem A and get to work. We have some of the best professionals in the world working diligently on Problem A and I’m not going to let partisan politics get in their way. It’s too important and uh… I think the American people recognize this.

Stage Three

People are mad about Problem A, and they are right to be mad. I’m mad too, and more importantly, we are going to get to the bottom of what went wrong and fix it. That’s what we need to do. That’s where my focus and the focus of everyone in my administration is.

What we don’t need are the distractions caused by some folks in Washington and some people who are hoping to use Problem A to get to Washington. I’m not paying attention to the noise. I’m listening to the American people, and the American people want solutions not finger pointing.

Stage Four

Problem A didn’t just happen overnight. Problem A is the result of a pattern of underinvestment that began almost thirty years ago and that some people still want to go back to even as we see the result of their failures all around us. [cheers]

When I took office, I inherited a lot of crises. I don’t have to tell you. You all know. [laughter and clapping]

But despite all the obstruction of some people in Congress, we have managed to turn things around. We aren’t where we want to be, but we are moving in the right direction. [louder cheers]

On the economy, on women’s rights, on health insurance, on Problem A, we have things turned around and are moving forward and we are not – the American people are not – going to allow the old politics to take us back. [thunderous cheers]