Transmission Transcript, Mars Terraform Living Unit #1

GMT 01:22:34 BEGIN TRANSCRIPT

Zuckerberg: Wait, wait, guys, wait. Did you see this bulletin from Earth? Looks like the price of Bitcoin totally collapsed. Down, like, 47,000 percent.

Musk: What? WHAT?

Bezos: Hahahahahahaha! Elon! Looks like you’re broke!

Musk: This isn’t possible. Seriously, guys, there’s a mistake there.

Gates: Rough calculation here, back-of-the-envelope stuff, but it really seems like you’re out of money, Elon. Which makes this awkward because the Mars Terraform Unit is really for billionaires. Not, let me see here, fast math, thousand-aires.

Zuckerberg: Hundred-aires, more like it.

Clinton: This is awkward. Elon, you’re going to have to figure out some way to make your monthly payment to stay in the pod. We don’t want to have to ask you to leave.

Musk: This is totally unfair. Totally! And it’s not even accurate. Not trying to be a jerk here but why does Bill Clinton get to be on this Mars mission anyway?

Melinda French Gates: We’ve been through this. He’s my plus-one.

Gates: Which we aren’t supposed to have but whatever.

Melinda French Gates: Do not start with me, Bill. Half of this is mine. You don’t make the rules.

Mackenzie Scott Bezos: Excuse me? That was not you talking to my man like that, I know for a fact. That was not you. Because if that was you, then you and me are going to go round and round –

Melinda French Gates: This is between me and my ex, MacKenzie. We don’t need to hear from his girlfriend of three days.

Mackenzie Scott Bezos: You take my name out of your mouth.

Gates: It’s okay, MacKenzie. It’s just . . .

Zuckerberg: You Boomers lead some messy lives, let me tell you.

Bezos: Just wait until you’re 50, Mark. It hits the fan.

Zuckerberg: Doesn’t have to. Priscilla and I practice something called “Radical Communication.” She’s very honest about her feelings and how I can be a better husband and we spend a few hours a week talking about how I could be better. Wait. What time is it back on Earth? I gotta go call her. She gets mad if I don’t call her every Earth hour.

Gates: Man, that kid has no idea how bad it’s going to be.

Bezos: You got that right, brother.

Clinton: I think we got off the subject. What are we going to do about Elon? I feel like, as a guest, maybe I should be the one to mediate this conflict. Melinda, would that be okay with you?

Melinda French Gates: That’s a great idea! I love how you show leadership in a crisis!

Gates: “I love how you show leadership in a crisis.” Good Lord, Melinda, have some self-respect.

Melinda French Gates: Yeah, must seem weird to you, Bill, that a man actually asked my opinion about something.

Bezos: Easy, Bill. Take ’er easy. This is a very small pod and we’re all here for another six months.

Gates: Deep breath. Deep breath. Deep breath.

Clinton: Okay, now Elon, the way some of us see it, your circumstances have changed and you’re unable to pay the full monthly rate here on the Mars Terraform Pod. Let’s start by asking you what you propose.

Musk: I think we should wait until the next few trading days on Earth when I know that the entire crypto sector will rebound.

Bezos: Know? You know this?

Gates: If he can’t pay the rent we do what you do when a tenant can’t pay. We evict.

Melinda French Gates: I agree.

Gates: Really?

Melinda French Gates: Bill, when you’re right, you’re right. I’ve always said that.

Gates: That’s very nice to hear, Melinda. And I feel the same way about you.

Musk: What? You guys are reconciling over evicting me onto the surface of Mars? This has brought you together? This is crazy, right? Guys? Anyone?

Bezos: I sort of see Bill’s point. I mean, we’re all basically libertarians here, right?

Mackenzie Scott Bezos: I agree with Jeff.

Bezos: Oh, baby. What happened to us?

Musk: Am I in Crazytown?

Branson: Guys, come on. We’re not going to put Elon into the ejection tube. He’d burn up.

Gates: Freeze.

Branson: Whatever. Science is not my thing. Let’s compromise. Elon, maybe you can take over some of the group chores we’ve been struggling over?

Musk: What?

Bezos: Good idea! There’s the food-slop collection. I hate doing that.

Gates: And the sewage sorting. Which I thought I’d enjoy more but have to say: Hate it.

Musk: So I’m the garbage man? Is that what you’re saying?

Branson: More like a butler or houseboy. But that’s the gist.

Musk: No!

Clinton: All those in favor of assigning Elon the household chores as Mars Terraform Pod Houseboy, say “Aye!”

All: Aye!

Musk: Nay! Nay! Nay!

Clinton: The motion carries. Elon, please tamp down the sewage pod!

Gates: Melinda, you want to take a walk or something?

Melinda French Gates: I’d love that.