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The Metropolitan Transit Authority has announced that one of its employees, bus driver Ralph Kramden, has had his employment terminated.

Following the release of audiotape and black-and-white footage, provided by a private source, depicting Kramden making threatening and violent gestures to his wife and promising to “one day, Alice, pow! Zoom! Right in the kisser!” the MTA, with the support of the bus drivers’ union, immediately removed Kramden from his position as a driver on the M1.

The Director of Diversity and Inclusion for the MTA issued the following statement: “While it is true that Kramden’s actions were made in private and that we have had no complaints about his on-the-job comportment, we at the MTA cannot and will not condone domestic violence. Even the mere threat of domestic violence is unacceptable and abhorrent to us as a mass-transit provider.”

Ralph Kramden was not available for comment.

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Ricky Ricardo, popular bandleader at New York’s Tropicana Club, announced today that he is “taking a step back” from his position in order to “think, reflect, listen, and, I hope, change,” following the revelation last week that he spanked his wife, Lucille Ricardo, in the living room of the apartment they share on East 68th Street.

Sources close to the Ricardos have revealed that their marriage was one of threats, rages, and near constant belittlement, with Mr. Ricardo assuming the role of tyrant and sole decision-maker, with Mrs. Ricardo left alone much of the time. According to these sources, Mrs. Ricardo was forced to concoct wild and unwieldy schemes in order to get out of the house, earn a living, or express herself through her art.

“It is difficult and uncomfortable to see myself as others see me,” Mr. Ricardo announced through his representatives, “but with time and work, I hope that healing can begin to take place. I am profoundly sorry for the hurt and anguish I have caused my wife and family, my dear friends, and my fans. It’s time for me to step away from the limelight, to change my behavior before I Baba-Lose it all.”

The Ricardos have asked for privacy at this time.

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The Naked Broom: A Story of Identity, Abuse, and Nose Crinkles, by Samantha Stevens (Random House, 1972)

In clear, courageous prose, Samantha Stevens tells the harrowing story of her seven-year marriage to an abusive and controlling husband, Darren. Despite her enormous gifts as a sorceress, she was cut off from her family and her birthright by her bitterly competitive husband, for whom climbing the corporate ladder was more important than allowing his wife to blossom and flourish with her almost supernatural talents.

“The worst part about being in an abusive relationship is how quickly you learn to blame yourself,” Samantha Stevens writes in the preface. “There were times when I, too, thought I was nothing but a witch. I learned to hate myself for the very things that made me, me. And it took me a long time to realize that. I’m writing this book for the gifted women who, like I was, are trapped and don’t know how to break free. I’m writing this book for the millions of magical women out there who may not realize how dysfunctional and abusive their marriage is. But mostly I’m writing this book for my daughter, Tabitha, so that she knows that she never has to hide her greatness just to protect the fragile male ego.”

Samantha Stevens is available for press/television/radio and personal appearances.

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Indianapolis building superintendent Dwayne Schneider was arrested this morning for sexual assault and breaking and entering, following complaints by tenants in the building he managed that he would enter their domiciles at will, with his passkey, and insert himself into their private business.

The tenants who initiated the complaint, who remain anonymous at this time, claim that his sense of white male privilege and patriarchal disdain for ringing the doorbell before barging in created a climate of fear and sexual terror. While Schneider is not accused of physical battery, Indiana criminal statutes define “sexual assault” to include “utilizing fear” and “creating imbalanced power dynamics.”

Schneider is being held without bail.

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Columbus, Ohio, area teenager Alex P. Keaton took his own life this morning, following a difficult and tumultuous few days after his expulsion from his high school for creating an “unsafe and intolerant” atmosphere by openly reading Thomas Sowell’s A Conflict of Visions in the school library.

Keaton was removed from the school by state police after a days-long standoff, with his distraught parents begging him via megaphone to “just put down the book and come out.” Keaton did eventually leave the library, but when he refused to undergo psychiatric evaluation, he was expelled from his school, ruining his chances of attending nearby Leland University and plunging him into depression.

The family has requested privacy.