Dec. 22, 2010

LARRY KING: Tomorrow night! The whole hour with the cast of Fantasy Island! Living and not! From Indianola, Mississippi! Hello!

CALLER: Hi, Larry. Hello, Mr. Claus.

S. CLAUS: Ho ho.

CALLER: I just want to know where you and Mrs. Claus are now, in your relationship.

LARRY KING: Good question. How about it, Nick? Is there healing? Is there anger? When the 19th Mrs. Larry King and I had reached that point, it was not pretty, let me tell you.

S. CLAUS: Well, look, Larry, I’m the first to admit I’ve made mistakes –

LARRY KING: I like that. “Mistakes.” I’m gonna remember that one.

S. CLAUS: This has all been very painful for me, Larry.

LARRY KING: I guess I gotta ask: How’d you have time for so many other ladies? I’m thinking, Santa Claus is a busy guy, with the list-checking and the toy stuff and the whole elf mishegas. You had time for, how many?

S. CLAUS: I don’t want to —

LARRY KING: I got a producer in my ear says seventeen. Seventeen?

S. CLAUS: It was a fair amount. I’ll say that.

LARRY KING: And they each got, what? A million?

S. CLAUS: I don’t want to get into specific numbers.

LARRY KING: But it was up there, am I right?

S. CLAUS: Well, Larry, as you know, my personal wealth is almost impossible to pin down. Even for me. The North Pole compound and the various factories are held in a trust — that’s not my money, Larry, that really belongs to the children of the world — and the rest of my personal holdings are shared jointly between Mrs. Claus and me, in a custodial account held at Goldman Sachs.

LARRY KING: Always Goldman! You heard it here first, folks. Even Santa Claus wants a good, reliable Jewish banker! I love it! From Willoughby, Ohio, hello!

CALLER: I’d like to ask your guest if he thinks technology had anything to do with his present situation?

LARRY KING: Yes! Good question! Nick, do you Tweet? Do you Facebook? ’Cause we all know that you text! Whoo boy! Do you ever text!

S. CLAUS: And I regret that, Larry. I really do.

LARRY KING: Should’ve been more discreet?

S. CLAUS: Well, sure, yes. Okay. Of course, I shouldn’t have been doing that kind of thing in the first place.

LARRY KING: Is it hard? Being so famous? Being, what, the number-one- or -two-ranked guy in the world, popularity-wise? You can fly anywhere on that sleigh of yours. Women throwing themselves at you.

S. CLAUS: I’m not making excuses, Larry, but yes, being me has certain challenges.

LARRY KING: Have you lost some endorsements?

S. CLAUS: Sure. They don’t sing about me coming to town anymore, and I’m pretty much banned from department stores.

LARRY KING: You know what one I love? The one about Mommy kissing you underneath the mistletoe!

S. CLAUS: Obviously, that’s totally out.

LARRY KING: Too bad. Cute song. From Corpus Christi, Texas! Hello!

CALLER: I’d like to ask Mr. Claus if, you know, from looking at all of those pictures from all of those women, if, you know, he has a certain type he likes, or . . .

LARRY KING: Great question! Gotta say, Nick — they all have that look, you know?

S. CLAUS: I don’t really see it.

LARRY KING: Seriously? You don’t see the resemblance in all of those gals? All sort of plumpish. White hair. Matronly. Twinkle-in-the-eye situation.

S. CLAUS: Not seeing it, Larry.

LARRY KING: Talk about a denial situation! Nick! They all look like Mrs. Claus. But, you know, a little more fun. Like a dirtier version of Mrs. Claus.

S. CLAUS: Well, Larry, I’ll leave that to others to discuss.

LARRY KING: I remember looking at a photograph of the 16th Mrs. Larry King and realizing that she was just a slightly nastier version of the seventh Mrs. Larry King. And I mean “nastier” in the good sense.

S. CLAUS: You know, Larry, I’m trying to move past that. I’m thinking about the future. I need to spend some time with Mrs. Claus, and our elves, and try to repair the damage I’ve done. Which is why I’m taking an indefinite leave from flying around Christmas Eve and delivering presents.

LARRY KING: Whoa, whoa. What? For serious?

S. CLAUS: My family and I need some time. It’s been a real ordeal, Larry. And with these women coming out of the woodwork every day, maybe it’s time to take a break.

LARRY KING: How the Tramps Stole Christmas! Sad story! This weekend! Ryan Seacrest and the Real Housewives of Indianapolis!