Dec. 13, 2013

(All times approximate.)

6:30 a.m. President and Mrs. Gingrich wake to soothing white-noise generator. Closed Press.

7:00 a.m. President and Mrs. Gingrich attempt “Downward Facing Dog” yoga pose. Pool Spray at top and at close.

7:15 a.m. President and Mrs. Gingrich receive daily briefing via Twitter. President updates his Facebook status. Mrs. Gingrich reviews the Presidential Daily Schedule for signs of disloyalty. Closed Press.

7:30 a.m. White House Chief of Staff Mitt Romney arrives at the executive residence, presents the president with his daily Cinnabon, and escorts the president to the Treaty Room while delivering overnight briefing. Closed Press.

8:00 a.m. President and Mrs. Gingrich deliver daily televised national address. Today’s topic: Meditation and Its Health Benefits. Pool Spray at top and at close.

8:15 a.m. President Gingrich meets with National Security team, delivers National Security Briefing rebuttal at 8:30 a.m. President sees connections between Facebook User Preferences and civil unrest in the Persian Gulf. Closed Press.

8:40 a.m. President reconvenes National Security Team for a last-minute thought centering around terraforming moon colony. President makes several foreign-policy-related telephone calls. Closed Press.

9:00 a.m. Presidential Quiet Time. President sits quietly in study, musing and generating ideas. ABSOLUTE SILENCE is required by visitors and guests. Open Press.

9:45 a.m. Presidential Portrait Painting. President continues work on his self-portrait. Pool Spray at top.

10:00 a.m. Presidential Chatroulette. President appears on video-chat service to discuss issues one-on-one with American people. Open Press.

10:45 a.m. President delivers remarks to Whoever Happens to Be in the Vicinity. NOTE: This could be canceled or postponed because of the passage of the National Homework Act, which would require the president to assign national homework for the next week, and to encourage citizens to break into study groups. Pool Spray at top.

12:00 p.m. Wheels Up Air Force One. President en route to Miller’s Crossing, Pa., for the opening of the first Pennsylvania State Children’s Workshop, a pilot program of the No Child Left Idle Act of 2013. Open Press. Pool Only.

12:30 p.m. Aboard Air Force One: President delivers daily noontime national address. Today’s topic: Kemal Atatürk’s Three Key Revolutionary Ideas in Post-Imperial Turkey. Open Press. Please remind your readers and viewers that this material will be covered in the National Midterm Exam in February.

1:15 p.m. President eats a Hardee’s Double Star Bacon Cheeseburger in presidential limousine. Closed Press.

1:30 p.m. Remarks at the Opening. Guests include Vice President Herman Cain. Photo parade with the facility’s Top Producing Toddler and Most Efficient Nine-Year-Old in the Sneaker Assembly Unit. Open Press.

3:30 p.m. Wheels Up Air Force One. En route to White House. President meets with economic team in flight. Develops new theory on the extinction of the dinosaurs. Confers with Secretary of the Treasury Ron Paul on various matters, including the sale of Federal Reserve banks nationwide to the Restoration Hardware chain of house- and homewares. Pooled Press.

4:45 p.m. Air Force One touches down. President en route to White House. Enjoys afternoon cruller. Closed Press.

5:15 p.m. President and German chancellor Angela Merkel engage in personal meeting. President is accompanied by a large dry-erase board and several new dry-erase markers. Chancellor Merkel is accompanied by her chief of staff and a personal physician. Pool Spray at top.

6:30 p.m. President allows Chancellor Merkel a word in edgewise. Closed Press.

6:35 p.m. President and Mrs. Gingrich deliver daily evening televised address. Tonight’s topic: How Your Enemies Make You Stronger. Open Press.

7:05 p.m. President eats large pepperoni pizza by himself. Closed Press.

7:10 p.m. President and Mrs. Gingrich host White House reception to celebrate the confirmation of three new cabinet officers, the Secretary of Zoos, the Secretary of the Future, and the Secretary of Unlikely Connections. Open Press.

7:30 p.m. President delivers remarks at the reception. Open Press.

8:15 p.m. President gathers with Six Sigma Team in Oval Office for daily Six Sigma review. President reviews the day’s events and the day’s key personnel, and processes data via DMAIC — Define, Measure, Analyze, Implement, Control — system. Pool Spray at top.

9:05 p.m. Daily economic briefing. President in velvet robe. Open Press.

10:05 p.m. Daily political briefing. President in terrycloth towel. Open Press.

10:15 p.m. President and Mrs. Gingrich retire to residence. Begin daily update of Enemies List. White House counsel on speaker. Closed Press.

11:00 p.m. Presidential Good-night Snickers™ bar. Closed Press.

11:15 p.m. President and Mrs. Gingrich retire for the night. Open Press.