Post-Bloomberg Edition

GRAND CENTRAL OYSTER BAR The fish is “as fresh as you’ll find it anywhere,” and the New England clam chowder is as creamy as possible under NYC Health and Safety regulations on dairy use per portion. The oyster crackers have been replaced by low-carb repurposed packing materials, and they are no longer available by the dozen, but the old style of the place is “intact and better than ever.” Tuck into a variety of sustainable low-sodium fish products — many served with a zesty lemon wedge for added flavor — and enjoy the simple, unadorned low-fat charm of fish steamed in plain water and served as a drinkable paste. Moderate to expensive. Lunch and dinner.

CARNEGIE DELI Carnegie Deli has been feeding the “late-night show-biz crowd” with “enormous portions” of cheesecake and “mile-high” stacks of pastrami for decades. Open late for “midnight cravings,” these days it’s a place to see New York’s deli cognoscenti tuck into city-health-police-regulated, portion-controlled mini-sandwich-ettes of tofurkey and salt-free korned bean-f (a tasty and heart-healthy soya-based mock-corned-beef product). Alas, the cheesecake hasn’t been served — or baked — since the famous Carnegie Deli cheesecake producer was arrested for violating NYC Health and Safety Ordinance 310-H-9, prohibiting the sale and manufacture of sweetened dairy products within city limits. Enjoy! Breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Open late.

RESTAURANT DANIEL This “glamorous, upscale” Manhattan restaurant is “perfect for star-gazing” and a classic American answer to the “Parisian fine-dining experience.” Come for the “gilded pampering” and the “tasteful interior design,” and stay for the “dazzling wine list” (customers limited to two (2) 3 oz. servings of beverage alcohol, in accordance with NYC Health and Safety Ordinance). Since the public execution of the pastry chef, a meal at Daniel is “surprisingly affordable.” Jackets for men. Bar menu discontinued due to Bar Closure Ordinance.

ANGELO PIZZERIA This “local favorite” is “half dive, half pizza mecca,” and it has lines out the door to prove it. Angelo’s manages to “conform” to the current pizza regulations enforced by the NYC Health and Safety Department, and diners are recommended to “dip your slice into the bowl of warm water” that accompanies each order, which will “loosen up” the soy-based cheese strands and soften the “faux-peroni” disks. No beer. No wine. No soda. Lunch and dinner.

KATZ’S DELI Closed by order of NYC Health and Safety Department, in violation of the Pastrami Ordinance and the Salted Meats Prohibition. Mail-order customers or those still holding cured meats and/or pickles from this establishment are required to surrender them to the NYC Department of Health and Safety, either in person or utilizing the blue dropboxes for banned foodstuffs/drinkables located throughout the city.

PETER LUGER’S STEAKHOUSE This “Brooklyn institution” is famous for its small portions — 3 oz. or less, in accordance with NYC Health and Safety Regulation 349A-01 — and its total lack of the fried potato. It would seem impossible to serve “delicious, tender” all-American beef without the use of salt, but somehow Peter Luger does it. New York’s only remaining steakhouse after the forced closures of Palm, Smith & Wollensky, Homeland, Strip House, Wolfgang’s, Patroon, 43rd Street Steakhouse, and all Tad’s locations, Luger’s “holds up the standard” of the classic Manhattan steakhouse with “pride and ingenuity,” especially considering that, in addition to prohibiting salt, NYC Health and Safety Ordinance 733-H-0K specifically bans the use of beef fat within city limits. No credit cards. No alcohol served. One member of each party must order vegan.

CHAN YANG SZECHUAN Chinese restaurants in the city have been disappearing since the advent of Mayor Bloomberg’s NYC Health and Safety regulations, but Chan Yang Szechuan holds on with a “winning mix of old Chinese and new healthy cooking.” It’s now an all-broccoli menu, with a variety of broccoli and mini-corn dishes to “remind diners of the stuff they used to pick around” when they enjoyed Chinese food in years past. No reservations.

PER SE Chef Thomas Keller’s “temple of haute cuisine” serves “spectacularly memorable” multi-course tasting menus in a “lavish” and “opulent” setting. Diners enjoy his “pricey but worth it” all-steamed-vegetable menus, and some return “again and again” for his annual “Study in Rice Cake” chef’s menu. If you’re not “put off by the police standing by to enforce the No Foie Gras Ordinance” or by the “eye-popping prices” for organic yard trimmings, you’ll “flip” for the “hip, stylish” interior and the bottled-water choices. Expensive to very.