Static. Crackling. Click.

FIRST VOICE: Team Alpha, are you in position?

SECOND VOICE: Copy that, Big Brother. In position in the bedroom and under the bed. Waiting for KS. Over.

FIRST VOICE: Roger that, Team Alpha. We have your target in sight. She’s entering the home right now and we will monitor her movements.

SECOND VOICE: Copy that, Big Brother. The thing is, it’s really dusty here, like no one has vacuumed under the bed, like ever. So, like, my allergies are really kicking up.

FIRST VOICE: Do not sneeze. Repeat. Do NOT sneeze, Team Alpha. That is a negative on the sneezing. The operation requires total surprise on the part of KS. When she enters the bedroom, wait until she begins preparing for bed and then ambush her as she enters her bathroom. Do you have the iPad with the Keynote deck prepared?

SECOND VOICE: Yeah, look, I’m ready, I’m just saying that it’s dusty here and I didn’t bring any Benadryl. But, yeah, when she’s heading into the bathroom I’ll leap out and force her to watch the presentation until she agrees to vote for the $3 trillion plan. I just wish she had a maid that knew how to vacuum under the bed.

THIRD VOICE: Hey, not trying to break in here but it’s really sort of offensive for Team Alpha to blame a working-class person for the dust under the senator’s bed. It’s all kinds of racist. Do better, Team Alpha. Over.

SECOND VOICE: (Sneeze)

FIRST VOICE: Team Alpha! No sneeze! Over.

SECOND VOICE: Yeah, well, I’m trying to copy that but I can’t help it! And for your information, Team Bravo, allergies are an officially recognized disability and your ignorance about my trauma-informed condition is unacceptable.

THIRD VOICE: Guys, guys. We’re getting off track here. Team Alpha, please just do what you can not to sneeze. Team Bravo, we can talk about these issues later with the group facilitator.

FIRST VOICE: Fine. So I’m being silenced. Nice. Over.

SECOND VOICE: You’re the one who is erasing my truth. Over.

THIRD VOICE: Guys! Seriously!

SECOND VOICE: “Guys”? Did you just misgender me? You did not just misgender me.

FIRST VOICE: Oh. My. God. Over.

THIRD VOICE: Copy that. And I mean it. But, again, we can talk through these issues later. The key right now is to get the two reactionary and hard-right senators to vote with the progressive majority. Right? That’s the mission here. Now, Team Alpha is in place under the bed, which is dusty, and we hear them that it’s dusty and we honor their work in that place under those conditions. Team Bravo, where are you located right now?

FIRST VOICE: I am in position under the wet bar in JM’s television area. Over.

THIRD VOICE: You are in the man-cave location?

FIRST VOICE: Copy that but I will not use that term. I will not be a willing participant in domestic violence.

THIRD VOICE: Yes, right, I mean, are you where JM is currently watching college football?

FIRST VOICE: Roger, and as an activist and intersectional journalist I find it very triggering.

SECOND VOICE: (Sneeze)

FIRST VOICE: I am under the wet bar next to the ice machine. When JM gets up to refill his glass with ice and, if my memory of my racist and homophobic grandfather is correct, bourbon, I will leap out of the cabinet and present him with our documents and get him to agree to vote for the progressive agenda.

THIRD VOICE: Roger that. Okay, we’re all set. Team Alpha, we have visual contact with KS and she’s turning out lights on the first floor in preparation for walking upstairs. Team Bravo, we have been informed by a source that the sports game JM is watching will soon break for an intermission-type thing and that’s when he will probably move towards your point of ambush. Copy that?

FIRST VOICE: Copy that. Ready and eager to confront him with the facts. Over.

SECOND VOICE: Me too. Ready to surprise KS in her bathroom and move America towards a progressive future. Over.

FIRST VOICE: Just going to jump out of the wet bar thing and start shouting at him and clapping after each word, like Martin Luther King! Over!

FOURTH VOICE: You guys know you’re using just a normal walkie-talkie, right? On a public frequency?

FIRST VOICE: Who is this? Identify yourself! Over.

FOURTH VOICE: This is Joe Manchin. I got one of those police scanners in my man cave.

FIRST VOICE: Triggered!

FOURTH VOICE: Son, are you hiding in my Kegerator?

THIRD VOICE: Abort mission!

SECOND VOICE: (Sneeze)