Ask Stormy™

Your questions answered! By a former actress in adult films!

Dear Stormy:

I am a well-respected business executive from a large oil-industry town. For reasons of privacy, I’d prefer not to give any more details. Recently, I was asked by a powerful and persuasive individual to leave my lucrative position running one of the world’s largest energy companies and run a massive federal bureaucracy. I knew in my heart it wasn’t going to end well. The man made so many promises to me and said so many flattering things, it was like he saw deep inside of me and knew just what to say. Well, long story short, he ended things with me in a very public way! And I am red-faced with humiliation.

What advice do you have for someone who believed the pretty words and all of the lies and is now heartbroken, mortified, and yet still for some reason checking my phone every few minutes, hoping for a tweet that takes it all back?

Hapless in Houston

Dear Hapless:

Hey there! Look at me! Look. At. Me. We have all been there, okay? That’s how you know you’re alive and that your heart still works, because you still want to believe that there is that one guy out there who really means it, who really is different, who really will let you be you.

So you thought you’d give up your big-time job and run a federal department and it didn’t work out and so now you’re home alone doing the backstroke through a tub of Ben & Jerry’s and wondering if you’ll ever believe again.

You know what? You will.

So the guy dumps you with a text? Not classy! But also not your fault. So, yeah, stay home and cry and watch TV in your underwear for a few days and then get back at it! Call that energy company and see if they’re still looking.

Also, the guy paid you, right? You make sure he did, baby! People say to me, Stormy, we’re not all porn stars like you! And I say to them, depending on who you work for, there might not be any difference!

Dear Stormy:

I am a former fashion model from an Eastern European country who came to this country many years ago and fell in love with a powerful and very smooth-talking businessman and entrepreneur. He told me that he shared my feelings and I believed him. Although he had been married a few times before, I was convinced that this time was different. He told me I was the first woman he ever allowed to see him without his “hair coils” and I am almost certain that I was the only woman he was ever with whom he allowed to apply the ointments and medications required for him to maintain his energetic and aggressive business image.

Lately, though, it has been harder and harder to look the other way as his infidelities become more public. Although we remain on cordial terms, see each other occasionally, and even appear together in public on a regular basis (these were all points in our recently renegotiated marriage deal), I am feeling more and more depressed and upset over his actions.

What advice do you have for a woman who is close to walking away?

Melancholy in the Melon

Dear Melon:

First, stop beating yourself up. We have all been there, honey. Been there and back and have it all on our Instagram Stories!

Second, this marriage deal you speak of: How many zeroes does it include in the “payment due to” part? My guess is, that’s the thing that’s really making you melancholy. Get those zeroes in there, with some commas between them, and you’ll be back by his side, and happy about it, too. Take it from a fellow porn star!

Dear Stormy:

I am a former military officer who until very recently was in charge of security for a large North American republic. I loved my job, despite its frustrations, but when I was offered a higher-profile position working for a very volatile and emotionally abusive boss, I went against my intuition and took it.

I know, Stormy! You always say, Listen to the Little Voice inside you! And I wish I had!!!

But here I am, working very closely with an extremely difficult individual and until very recently I was pretty sure that despite the ups and downs of our relationship, things were clicking. But apparently I was the only one, because I’m hearing from a lot of our mutual (and not so mutual, it turns out) so-called friends that he is thinking about dumping me!

Stormy, what should I do??

Semper Fried

Dear Semper:

When you work for creeps, you’re always about a day away from being kicked out of your apartment and having the car-lease company come to take your Cadillac Allanté away.

Start taking stuff home with you now — office stuff, any jewelry lying around, coins from the change jar, whatever. Make sure you get paid in cash, in full, every pay period. And if you can, get him to sign over the title to one of his condos (a long shot, I know, but give it a shot).

Take it from a fellow porn star: He is going to fire you. So be prepared!