How May I Help You?

‘This call may be monitored for quality assurance.”

“Due to high call volumes, our wait times are longer than usual. We apologize for the inconvenience.”

“A customer-service representative will be with you shortly.”

“Para español, oprima dos.”

“Hi this is Jared thanks for calling Amazon Prime customer service. How may I help you today?”

“Hey Jared, I’m calling to cancel my Amazon Prime subscription.”

“I’m very sorry to hear that. Is it a customer-service issue? If so, perhaps I can resolve the issue for you right now.”

“No, Jared, it’s just that I have HBO Max and Hulu and Netflix and Disney Plus and Paramount Plus and YouTube Premium and Apple Plus, and I just think that’s enough plusses and maxes for me.”

“I’m very sorry to hear that. Let me pull up your account right now. Bear with me a moment.”

“Okay, but I’ve been on hold for a while and I really just want to — ”

“It says here that your account qualifies for a major package discount. Let me see what I can do for you.”

“I’m really just — ”

“I can offer you a full year of Amazon Prime for about 75 percent less than what you’re paying right now.”

“But I — ”

“As you know, Amazon Prime offers original movies and series, plus the largest library available for online streaming. In addition, we offer live sports, documentaries, games, and with your newly upgraded subscription you’ll be entitled to a free one-year membership in our new AmaVax Service.”

“AmaVax?”

“Amazon is committed to your health and safety. That’s why we’ve teamed up with major pharmaceutical companies to offer you a monthly subscription to each new COVID vaccine as it becomes available. You can also choose to upgrade to AmaVaxMax to receive each new vaccine before it is officially dropped. You get premium access to all vaccines before the general public.”

“Thanks, but I think I already get the new vaccines from my Hulu subscription.”

“While many services offer similar features, we at Amazon pride ourselves on our competitive pricing. May I ask what you’re currently paying Hulu for content and vaccines?”

“I honestly don’t know. That’s sort of the problem. I just get too many bills each month and I can’t — ”

“In addition to our AmaVax Service, we also offer a continual personal health-monitoring service that can keep track of your blood-glucose levels, SpO2 number, current antibody load, and with our new AmaVaxMax Plus, we offer weekly urine and stool analysis. In addition to premium content and original movies.”

“I already get urine and stool analysis from Apple.”

“Well, in this case we can offer you everything — AmaVaxMax Plus, Amazon Prime, Amazon Music, we can throw in the urine and stool, for the same 75 percent discount on what you’re already paying.”

“Wow. That’s a pretty good deal.”

“And of course always free shipping.”

“See, here’s the thing. I need to keep my Disney Plus for the kids. They’re all about the movies and the safety helmets and the multivitamins we get. HBO Max gives us sanitizers and home allergy tests. Paramount Plus delivers gluten-free meals and Yellowstone, which my wife and I are addicted to.”

“Since you mentioned addictions, did you know that Amazon Prime also offers drug and alcohol counseling with our Premium Sports Package subscription? And our Amazon Farm Box program delivers healthy, fresh ingredients to your door every month. The Farm Box service is complimentary with the urine and stool bundle.”

“I guess that makes sense. You send us food, we send you . . .”

“Your health and well-being are important to us.”

“Who said that?”

“I believe it was your Alexa. You must be sitting close to your Amazon Alexa unit. Sometimes Alexa monitors these calls and adds some important context.”

“I would listen to Jared. Did you know that in addition to providing you with entertainment and information, I can also remind you to wash your hands and suggest more sustainable ways to keep your family safe and healthy? I can also remind you to wear a mask indoors and keep up to date on all emerging vaccines and boosters.”

“I didn’t mention the Booster Max Premium Plus option, but that is of course included in your package.”

“Look, I appreciate your help here and I really do love the idea of getting all of my content and health stuff from one company, but I just have so many of these services — we’re getting four vaccines a month from three different services, plus movies and stuff, and music, and I think we’re getting our boosters from DoorDash. So I just really need to cancel.”

“Have you ever been to space?”

“Alexa?”

“Tell him about the Premium Space Plan Plus, Jared.”