Missing Linc

How many Lincolns are on the penny?

People want to say “one,” but they stop: Why would you ask that? Is there a Lincoln I didn’t notice? How many Lincolns can dance on the face of a penny?

There weren’t always two-Abe pennies. Once there were two sheaves of wheat on the back, known to numismatists as a “Wheat Back.” (Clever lads, those coin hounds.) During World War II, the Lincoln penny was made of steel and coated with zinc, which made it look stylish and modern, the sort of coin that Noël Coward would write a lyric about. (You’re the top, you never make a drink bad / You’re the best, you’re a Lincoln zinc-clad.) Since zinc is supposed to be good for shortening colds, I keep a few around and suck on a ’43 Zinc-Linc when I get a sore throat. But that’s the extent of my interest in the penny question.

We’re only talking about the penny because Trump abolished it. No other president dared; Trump did it. You expected CNN to say, “Trump, after John Wilkes Booth, becomes the second man to kill Lincoln.”

Are you bothered? No? Admit it: The penny is the coinage equivalent of lint. It’s the only form of money you wish you didn’t have. There’s something brawny about the nickel. There’s something wily about the dime. The quarter, for my generation, was always the useful workhorse coin — individually, they could buy an hour on the parking meter, some dryer time at the laundromat, a game of pinball. Pop machines and cigarette dispensers were built around the sturdy strength of the quarter. If you came across a half-dollar, you sighed: Here’s a coin with an exaggerated sense of itself. No one parts with me — I am too important. No, you don’t fit in any slot, pal, that’s why. You imagined the half-dollar and the $2 bill got together and talked about how they were better than the popular kids (quarters and $1 bills). They were just jealous of your distinctiveness.

The Mint struck its last penny on November 12. That leaves only 98 trillion pennies in circulation, probably, so they’ll be around for a while. The government should ask for their return and then melt them down and cast an enormous Colossus of Lincoln 20 stories high with bright searchlights for eyes, placed on a plinth that revolves slowly on the Mall, with Abe’s gaze illuminating everything in the course of the day. It would be nice after relegating a great man to the lowest coin of the realm.

Well, someone might say, Abe on the penny symbolized his bond with all of us — high or low, we all came across the penny. . . . Sure, maybe he should’ve been on a dollar coin, but maybe we reserve that for guys who didn’t suspend habeas corpus, just sayin’. Actually, Lincoln was pretty bad, and you haven’t been told the whole story, and I’m not saying the Jews covered it up, but my guest today will. Thank you, Tucker, have a seat.

Point is, we ought to be somewhat sad to see the penny go, since it reminds us that we’re galloping away from the idea of actual currency and toward the era of digital money. That’s right: Our meaningless fiat currency will be replaced by meaningless digital currency, and it all started with copper Abe. First, they came for the penny, and I said nothing, because I have six coffee cans full of the stupid things in the garage. Then they came for the dollar bill, and I said nothing, because I was on the phone at the time, or I was in the shower, can’t recall.

This doesn’t end well. Even though we tap our cards for transactions, use our thumb on our phone to let Apple Pay send the incorporeal numbers from here to there, we know we can, if we wish, use cash. A man feels good when he peels a bill off a roll. He feels poor when he counts his pennies, which is why it’s not the worst thing in the world to lose one. But don’t tell me that Thomas Jefferson on the nickel isn’t looking over his shoulder with a nervous glance.

By the way, the second Lincoln is on the back of the coin. Very faint. It’s the contour of his statue in the Lincoln Memorial. If someone answers the how-many-Abes question correctly, bet them a penny they can’t say who else is buried in Grant’s Tomb.

(Julia, his wife.)